Grace To You…and Me, Too.
I have a page on Facebook for Grace Desired. There are many who come and share their feelings or prayer requests on Grace Desired. My intent is not to point this person out. I feel much the same way at times. The point is to know that we are His Beloved and saved by His grace.
This was a post I got this morning from one of my friends of Grace Desired (on Facebook). The comment was:
“It was someone who promised ‘Grace’ that abused me worst! …. grace2u! from ‘Grace Early’! Would love to receive grace but I only find condemnation!”
My heart hurts for my friend. I’m totally empathetic and sympathetic toward how they feel. I totally understand how they feel. I’m not a counselor; but, this was my response and prayer to my friend this morning before going to work:
There is no condemnation through Christ…only people condemn. The Good News is that Christ walked amongst us wearing sandals (as a human); but, He was no ordinary human. I’m sorry that you feel condemned. I can’t say that others have not made me feel that way as well. Sometimes I, myself, have caused such feelings–even within myself. I’m not saying that you have caused that; but, I know my own behaviors. There are lots of people, including Christians (which I am), who condemn others…or falsely accuse…without knowing the whole story or being empathetic toward other’s pain. We are human! God never promised that bad things would not happen to good people. He said that He would forgive us and give us rest. Our “true”rest will not come until the day of Heaven. I am definitely lifting you up in prayer, as well as many others who visit this page. God is for us…the brokenhearted. I realize that many are against us. I know that feeling all to well…even now as I write; but, the One true Father is for us. God Loves Us! You have to believe that You are His Beloved…because that is true! Anything else…are lies from the deceiver. A lot of Christians, and I’m a Christian, don’t know how to deal with other’s pain. There are a few people who are gifted in dealing with other’s pain. In fact, once the love of Christ takes over you…you have great potential to be one of those people who can care and lift others up to Him. I know you are discouraged; but, have faith. You are a survivor, and this brokenness will also come to pass. AGAIN, we will never be fully rested until the day of Christ, and we go to Heaven. AND, Amen for His grace & mercy, and a chance to be able to rest in Him! Have a blessed day! ♥ Beth
Break Free! Break Free From the Chains!
Many of us understand what bondage feels like. We feel like chains may be wrapped around multiple times constricting us with each action we make. I, personally, want to break free from the chains, and to live a life filled with God’s grace.
I realize that many of us have different battlegrounds; but, the thing we have in common is the overwhelming feeling of being held hostage within our own chains. I often wonder how am I ever going to be released from the chains in my life? These so-called chains that hold me back. Most of the time it’s my own idols holding me hostage; but, on occasion–it’s someone else’s idols holding me hostage…and that’s another blog.
Being aware of my own guilty feelings (from my past sexual abuse), I began to look inward to myself for help, instead of outward toward Him. I have worn many chains since the actual abuses have taken place. I have meticulously layered the chains of guilt, shame, perfectionism, and “pleasing others” around my neck until they have utterly weighed me down. I felt as if I were suffocating me. I was suffocating!
There are times, I have claimed freedom in Christ; only to let my past fears, and sometimes present, sneak in and take control–again. I forget that I’ve been saved by His grace. Instead I seek the wrong kind of hope, and I wait in the dark for help. I tend to put faith in myself. I tend to think that I will be able to break free from the chains on my own rather than putting my hope in God to help me break free from the chains.
I fear I am part of a commonality with other struggling Christians. I don’t always know who I am with Christ, nor do I fully understand what it means to be a child of God. And why not? In Romans it says that the Spirit Himself bore witness with my spirit to be a child of God. Ok, then why don’t I sense the feeling of being that child? Could it be the chains I’m wearing?
Last Sunday my pastor Tom Gibbs said, “We tend to resist being a Christian!” He said, “We have no excuse for knowing the God that we try so hard to suppress. We practice the lies of idolatry by suppressing His truth. Our idolatry is our way of manipulating the world around us. We are committed to our idols when we feel threatened. In essence, we practice a lie; thus, suppressing God even more.”
Tom is right! Instead of looking inward to myself for help in breaking free from the chains; I should be looking to Christ–who has the answer of truth and grace to set me free.
The first step to breaking free from my chains is to resolve my personal and spiritual conflict by genuinely repenting, and then totally submitting myself to God. I should follow the KISS example: Keep It Short & Simple. I need to stop with my self-serving tendencies, and stop hiding behind my mask. I tend to want to masquerade that I’m obedient even when I’m not dependent on His Spirit.
I am thankful that we are taught about the kingdom of God; but, we also need to understand the kingdom of darkness. Satan‘s wickedness lies in Heavenly places. That’s why there is a need for discernment…to be able to know that some things are just lies. Lies that chain us down. Our battle is not against flesh and blood; but, the forces of Satan’s darkness.
We must understand that the battle is for our minds. The battle is whether or not we will believe the lies or will become transformed…made new with Christ. We must understand that God does not lie! God is truth and grace. Satan does lie! He is wicked and full of darkness.
In the Bible, Paul wrote that he was free from bondage. He expressed that he had confidence that his freedom was real. In Corinthians he said that, “I will not be enslaved by anything.” Paul said this following up to those who had been sanctified (saved by His grace) and justified in Christ (because of His death), but were continuing to be held in bondage by their old idols.
Being a good disciple, like Paul, means being a good counselor as well. The two are intermingled. Discipleship counseling is where two or more people meet in the presence of God. Together, they learn how God’s truth and Word can help break them free from the chains of idolatry; thus, being able to conform to the image of God as one begins to learn to walk by faith.
The other day a particular song came to mind by Wilson Phillips. The song was “Hold On”, and some of the lyrics are as follows:
“I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don’t ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?…
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free, break from the chains…”
Tom said another thing that really stuck with me. He said, “We should be humble and faithful disciples of Christ. It’s a matter of the heart so that we are actively doing what God has called us to do.” He said, “Our performance vindicates our dependence on God.”
I realize that my support system does not always include Christ. I had, and have, not cast my anxiety and fears on Christ, and I am anything but dependent upon Him.
My chains have brought me nothing but darkness; but, in my darkness God has helped me to see His Light. I can’t, nor anybody else, set me free. Only Christ can set me. I can’t bind up my broken heart; but, God can. God is my “chain breaker”.
In order for me to break free, I must have a true knowledge that I am a child of God. Where am I going to learn that? From His Words in the Bible. If I really know God, then my behavior will change radically. My biggest deterrent mentally and spiritually is me not understanding His true freedom.
Tom mentioned about John Newton’s analogy… having a good “spectacle for the scripture”. I must delve into His words so that I can have a good relationship with Him. I must focus on Him. I need to begin to live more by faith and begin renewing my mind. Knowing God in terms of “heart matters” will be a sign of maturity; thus, it will help me become a step closer to the freedom in Christ without wearing chains.
Living and growing in Christ may mean I will encounter different and new chains to wear. But, I must remember that I have been made new. I have been called to do what He wants me to do, and that is not to be bound with the chains of fear from my past. Grace is not just about obedience; but learning to be dependent on His Spirit. This kind of obedience can only happen in and through His grace.
“For freedom Christ has set us free; ‘stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery’.”~ Galatians 5:1
This bondage breaking power that Paul talks about is available to me. I’m not really comfortable with the pain I cause for myself, or others. I am the one to blame most of the time. It’s time to make a change, and break free…break free from the chains.
Are You a Question? Be an Exclamation!
This past weekend I went to Waco, Texas to visit my oldest at Baylor University. We went to visit her church, Antioch. The Senior Leader, Jimmy Seibert, asked the congregation this crucial and “radical” question, “Do you go around wearing a question mark, or an exclamation?”
Pastor Seibert says too many of us go around wearing a question mark. He says we spend a lot of time wondering… “Who is God? Who am I? Where am I going?”
It’s true! I often wonder these things myself. I wonder who I am in relation to God. I wonder who or what does the relationship involve, where is the relationship going to take me, and how will I get what I want?
Guess what? God has a plan for me. Instead of worrying about being a broken person, and rather am I worthy of His grace, I need to focus on being transformed from the inside out.
In Psalms it says not to worry because at the end of the day…God is in control! When I doubt myself and I question God, then I am putting something or someone else before Him. I lack concentration. In essence, it’s like I become ADD in looking for Him. [No knock to ADD because I truly have it.]
So who is God?
I loved what Pastor Seibert said, “Who’s the final authority? Let it be Jesus…because in the end it will be Him anyway.”
The whole congregation laughed, but it’s true. HIS GRACE ALONE SAVED US!
“For by grace you have been saved…” ~ Ephesians 2:8
Like Saul/Paul, we are blind in our own chaos. Fear is not spoken from the Lord. We don’t suffer apart from God. He suffers with us! God wants us to see and understand that concept. He wants us to know that within our own broken lives we are a treasure. We are God’s treasure!
You see, God reveals within us our question mark that is so easy for us to wear and often worn; BUT, if we allow Him, He will change it into an exclamation…an exclamation for Him.
Who am I?
I am His beloved! I am adopted and loved by God! Yes, we all have family problems. Some of us have our fair share; but, when we are adopted by God we move from one family into another family. We move into the family of God.
Sometimes we act like we are not adopted; but, through Jesus we become “joint heirs” to the family of God. We have a great inheritance! Christ is the One who has vested great interest in us, and died for us so that we could live.
We are born again and made new in His image. We are no longer chained to the past…to our family mistakes. So stop walking around with a limp, and get into the real spirit. Start with walking from a place of victory—walking with Christ Jesus!
Where am I going?
I am free of my past. My past, heinous secrets were getting me nowhere; but, through Christ, I’m free! God brings about a conviction within me to confess my very sinful nature, and then be able to “move on” through the love of God. Satan brings about condemnation. There is no condemnation in Christ who strengthens me—just forgiveness!
Now, I seem to be moving at a snail’s pace; but, I’ve begun to inch forward since learning this revelation. His desire for me is to know Him and to glorify Him. I find it funny that he knows us more than we want to know Him. He does know the desires of our heart. He makes a point of this.
After beginning to understand some of these questions, I should live life with a new purpose. My purpose should be to know Him with all my heart and all my soul. My desire is to know and understand Him. Through His grace and love becomes the reality of my faith and hope; thus, learning I have received His grace despite my past. I know that I have not received grace on my terms; but, His. He loved me and showed me grace before I was born.
I should no longer wear a question mark. I am not my own; but I am free to glorify Him. He will lead me in the way I should go. I should follow Him with exclamation.
Don’t be a question mark; but, be an exclamation…an exclamation for Christ!
“…and thus I make it my ambition to preach the gospel, not where Christ has already been named, lest I build on someone else’s foundation, but as it is written, ‘Those who have never been told of him will see, and those who have never heard will understand.’ ” ~ Romans 15:20-1
Hidden Shame
Sometimes I had put up walls and hid–not to keep people out; but, to see who cared enough to break them down.
“Shame is a feeling deep within our being that makes us want to hide.”
I had hidden shame. It was such shame that stemmed from the feeling of being exposed (in my case I was exposed), being made visible, and examined by another who was rather critical of me. Because of this feeling, I wanted to be invisible.
Experiencing this type of shame, my eyes began to turn inward–becoming an enormous self-judging problem. I saw myself as a failure. I felt as if I was a mistake, which made many mistakes.
As a child, I tried hard not to make mistakes. I felt I needed to meet the expectations of others, or what I thought others wanted. I feared that others would reject me if I did not meet their expectations.
I equated some of my feelings of shame to the abandonment and isolation that I experienced from those important to me. I apparently took this to be that I was not valued enough–to be taken care of.
As a child I was dependent on others. Being valued was important to me. When that support was missing, I am sure I began to unconsciously think I was unworthy–disconnecting within my world more and more.
At times my shame felt proportionate with the situation. Sometimes, I was able to laugh off the small instances, and move on; other times, I just wanted to hide. There are times I still just want hide. It’s like when I hid behind my hands. It gave me a sense of not being exposed.
Sometimes in my sense of hiding, or going away, is where the thought of suicide came into play. I began to self-devalue myself, and self-hate. Why not? Others have thought that about me…or so “I thought”.
The anxiety that I experienced as a child was often due to the fear of punishment. My thoughts would be when would my step father come again? What have I done to deserve this? Will I ever be good enough to warrant praise? I thought I must be very bad to be so punished. I would often feel guilty for upsetting him enough to do such things. I would associate feelings of guilt with being punished. Even today, I may apologize for something that I did not do (although I do lots of things that need apologizing for).
I felt completely alone as a child. I was alone. I was the only child. Within the solitude of isolation is where I began to think I was unlovable and even invisible—that I was a big mistake.
In essence, I began to lose myself within my self. I tended to “magnify” how I thought others were viewing me. I may had the feeling of disgust for not living up to other’s expectations. I wanted to be needed, be perfect, and to be loved and accepted by others. When my expectations were eluded, or thought to not be met, I felt isolated…even when it is my own self doing. I still do this at times.
I know that some of the unresolved, unspoken, and repetitive shame I experienced as a child has caused pain throughout my whole life. My shame has been rooted into my heart in a negative way. I let those negative messages fester over the years. It became a part of my everyday life. I had become what I thought I was—a mistake. I was lost in the darkness, not attempting to see any light.
Over the last couple of years I have begun to let the Lord use my shame to make positive changes in my life. Jesus began to open the door to my heart. This was the door that I have kept closed for most of my life. He has slowly opened that door allowing me to look back at the shame of the sexual abuse that I endured.
I have leaned heavily on that door–keeping it shut for many, many years. It is not that I had forgotten about what happened, but I chose to place it in a part of my heart that I did not want to see, or open. It was nice and dark over in that corner—trying to be invisible. I did not want to look; but, Jesus has taken my hand, and He has begun to slowly open that door.
Once He opened the door the memories of abuse came flooding back. I could see the various acts that had happened to me as a child, and I was scared.
While standing at the door I have noticed that there was a light behind me, but not really thinking much about it.
What was Jesus trying to show me about my past?
All of a sudden, I thought about how I felt when I was pinned down by my stepfather. How I felt completely powerless, naked, and exposed! I was angry!
Then Jesus pointed out to me how His naked, exposed body had been nailed to the cross, and He, too, was completely powerless.
And uh yes…what’s your point? I am thinking about me, Lord, not you.
Then I began to think about those who were near me, and did not take up for me. The time the “friend” was in the chicken shack while her uncle did the unthinkable. How there was no investigation about how I got all those bruises? Why didn’t the doctor pursue what he had original thought—that I might be pregnant? There was no investigation. Others sat back and did nothing!
Then Jesus pointed out to me that He, too, had friends and family who stood by and did nothing to help.
I had never thought about it in this way. Yes, I know the story, but had I never really thought about how abandoned Jesus must of felt. I was only thinking of “me” and how I felt.
It is true! Jesus, the King of Kings, was nailed on the cross, and not one person tried to help Him while He suffered. And who did He suffer on the cross for? He suffered for all those who were watching in the crowd.
In essence, I was in the crowd. I was the one who shamed Christ. I pinned him down with my sins. I was the one who caused His suffering and the exposing of His naked body. Jesus took my shame. He did it all for me.
Jesus could have saved Himself, but He made the greatest sacrifice so I could live. Jesus despised the shame so much that He endured the cross taking on all of my hidden shame and guilt that I pinned Him down with and gave me grace. The grace that I had so desired is now the grace that I have received. Thank you for His love and grace that has given me hope to stop hiding my shame!
“…who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame,…” ~ Hebrews 12:2
Strength to Carry On
I have been thinking, and trying to pinpoint, on how to express myself on the particular topic of strength. Some kinds of strength are good. After all, it is a reflection of God Himself, and He said this is a good thing. But, I think some strength, if misused, can be hurtful. It does not have to necessarily have to be physical strength (like tackling someone to the ground); it can be as little as a look of disapproval.
Certain strengths have the potential to become an intimidating misuse of power over another person. I think it is important to know, that if gone unnoticed, strength could get out of hand and end up hurting others (like a form of bullying). My disclaimer is that I have taken part, and we probably all have taken part in a misuse of power some time or another. I myself can be rather dominating and/or manipulating. It is a control thing. It’s the power within me thinking that I can fix things on my own…instead of truly turning things over to God. I have finally realized that can become a misuse of power that I frequent.
I think that it is God’s desire for us to use our positive strength to lead our families; like the Sanctus Real song says, “To stand up for them when they can’t”. To be a wall…a somewhat pillar of strength. God’s own characteristics include strength & tenderness; respect & forgiveness through His grace & mercy. Only God can be the true judge of our life.
If we are truly made in God’s image, then we must have a desire to gain those characteristics—to be strong and loving.
There is nothing wrong with being physically strong, if one acts in an appropriate manner. I guess I am trying to say that maybe a better strength to “workout” for–would be the strength that comes from the heart. Reading the Bible, worshiping, taking part in a community are all great ways to strengthen your heart.
Strength looks different for different people. It could be a silent strength, verbal strength, strong- heroic type strength, being protective and gentle for the abused, or even having the strength to be humble.
In Genesis, we find out that Eve was very manipulative. Granted, she probably could not have wrestled Adam into eating the apple; instead, she used her verbal strength and tempted him in this way. Although, Adam had been informed of this particular tree prior to Eve being created; he chose to remain silent, or passive. Adam could have spoken up and said something to warn Eve about not eating from this tree. Eve obviously did not understand the importance of not eating the apple from the tree. She insisted, to Adam, that the serpent was telling the truth…so they ate from the tree, and we know the rest of the story.
Eve using her verbal strength to tempt Adam led to his passiveness…which led to other problems; for instance, violence followed once they began procreating. This violence started between brothers and definitely became a misuse of power and strength. I believe many have seen this kind of power misused at some point in their life. This type of strength does not discriminate!
I also believe that we have the capability to misuse our own strength of power at times. We are all sinners! An extreme misuse of this strong power can be destructive for all involved.
So why do people misuse their power?
Maybe their “good” strength was ignored, or shamed, by someone. Maybe their insecurities lead to their downfall. Maybe wanting the other person to change encouraged manipulation of others…which is a misuse of power.
I am guilty of this sin. My idol of controlling outcomes of others is one of my gross misuses of power.
God was proud of Jesus. He claimed Him as His son, and said He loved Him. Affirmation is really important! Although men and women like different kinds of affirmation, that does not mean to ignore each other because of the differences. We all feel that we don’t measure up. We are all insecure at one time or another—made vulnerable. For some, the vulnerability might come from past abuse; belittling could be happening presently. Finally, some are scared of what the future has in store for them. Will I be made fun of because of my lack of _?_ (fill in your own blank).
Abuse is a type of strength that is blatantly misused. It comes in many forms. It could be words spoken, or not. It could mean being aggressive physically, or passive emotionally (not being protected). It could be getting fired for something that one did not do—maybe simply because you’re too old. It can also come as sexual abuse. This type of abuse can have many levels of abuse: from harsh words spoken to the extreme of being beaten, or even worse things that I don’t really care to mention.
Sometimes rather than being a strong leader, we give in to our fears and insecurities. Sometimes, we are just plain jealous of other’s strengths. I know this all too well. Sometimes, I am more concerned about what people think of me, rather than worrying about how I am alienating God. I also get caught up in wanting something that I really don’t need and may want to coerce someone out of it…or want them to give it to me. It doesn’t have to be a material object; it could be as much as wanting protection, love, and respect.
When a person lashes out physically, or verbally, they feel as if they have some kind of strength (or power); but, in essence, it is not genuine strength. It is hurtful, and it might be considered bullying. Again, this could stem from their own insecurity or weakness.
This is not always true; but, some may have a deep rooted insecurity that they may not even be aware of within themselves. I will say nothing really justifies bullying, or being manipulative of others. It is very hurtful to those that are on the receiving side.
Loving accountability must take place to help achieve the goal of healing from misused strength. This can be done through community; such as with a church, some peers, or a strong group of friends. Loving accountability must also take place to help one not to misuse their “weak” strength. Both types of accountability need love and encouragement.
I will say that pointing out the misuse of power of another will usually not help. Often times, it will make things worse. Learning to love boldly would be most helpful in this situation. Dan Allender uses an example of telling a story/example so that another may see their misuse in character. It’s like a mirror; thus, one could see the reflection of their action. This may allow them to see how they are truly behaving.
The act of “loving boldly” does not always work. One may have a change of the symptom, but not of the heart. To love someone boldly takes some practice. For one thing, the mirror would have to be turned one self first before reflecting the mirror on the other person.
Good strength, or power, can lead to good things. Just look what Christ did for us so that we could live. It took great strength, courage, and forgiveness to be able to do what He did. I could never really fathom what He did at all. It was the greatest heroic act that has ever taken place.
Knowing that there is freedom in Christ, the heart will need to go under a complete restoration. One might begin with being less self-centered. I struggle with this quite often as well with many other idols. I may think that it is all about me. How I am feeling? I may not always take into consideration how the other person may be feeling, or what pain I may be causing to them.
One thing that needs to take place for restoration to occur may be admitting that a change needs to take place…especially in one’s heart. If you can’t admit your weaknesses, it will be almost impossible for restoration to take place. Blaming others will not make a change in the heart.
Now some may say that the other is too sensitive. Of course there may be times when one can be too sensitive. If others continually make others feel that they are too sensitive; then, it’s possible that the weakness of the one pointing out may hurt others.
Now a misuse of power can take place within one self. One can blame them self or have a self loathing of self due to guilt and shame. All of this can lead up to the misuse of power within one self, and will usually get worse.
There will be times that one may tell their self that another person may be the problem, and that the other person needs to get the help. This could be an excuse which seems to cover the true problem…maybe the problem is within them. Literally, the misuse of power can’t be seen by the person abusing it.
Surrendering and/or confessing your misused strength to Christ is essential. It is important to acknowledge what you have done to hurt others, and it is important to ask God for forgiveness; but, it must be sincere.
When talking with another be genuine, and give many details. This allows the other person to know that one is truly sorry. Being humble is good when it’s sincere.
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (Luke).
Let God love and forgive those that misused strength. His grace and mercy should be all consuming. One must accept the fact that God can use a restored heart to further His Kingdom, despite one’s weaknesses–past or present or even future.
Again, responsibility and accountability should take place. This is one of the first steps to restoration of misused strength. It is not just enough to say sorry; but, to truly understand why. To tell the other that one is sorry, and act upon it, is a great strength. Those that take responsibility will take their consequence and learn from it to become a restored person.
Now understand that restoration may not always occur; but, when one realizes their sinful nature, the process can begin to take place. One must learn to put off “your old self” so that one can “put on the new self. To know that we are created to be like God”. (Ephesians)
God wants to bring true healing; but, it can’t happen without humility. If one continues down the wrong path they might become self-destructive, or may be the root of someone else becoming self-destructive. Being humble does not mean to let others run all over them; but, to just stop misusing the strength that God has given.
One must become totally broken and surrender to Him. God is for the brokenhearted and He will make the heart new. We are sufficient in His grace, and He finds strengths in our weaknesses; thus, we will be given strength to carry on. The kind of strength to carry on restoration due to grace, love, and humility.
“…but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
We will have the strength to carry on…with the Son, and through the Son. Power will be given to the weak, and make us strong!
Hope: Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear
I was thinking about Hebrews 12. Since I had been abused by my stepfather, I sometimes associated the verses in this chapter with my
Earthly father. I realize there is no comparison between My Father in Heaven and my stepfather; but, I also realize both had the potential to discipline me. Remembering my past, I decided I would compare a coach to My Father (only in this case).
I thought about how my coach used to discipline me. I got the jest of what was said in the chapter, but I let my anger cloud my thoughts of what I truly needed to understand. I suppose the writer of Hebrews is stating that discipline is not always pleasant, but if I train hard (with my “coach”) then I can become stronger-bringing about great joy.
I am hopeful that this new found joy will lead me to great worship, or intimacy, with Him. I am being made new in the Light of my darkness.
Although the “coach” may be a good analogy, God does not want me to think of Him as a coach…but as the true Father. There are hopes, fears, and angers in memories of a father. Though God is not like my stepfather I suppose He instills hopes, fears, and anger as well—but on a different scale. I understand the thought behind this verse, but I will have to switch gears on my thinking. I still like my “coach” analogy, but I suppose I should think of it as a different approach and not in context of that verse.
I am a “Lord of the Rings” nut! I love these books, including the “Hobbit”. There is so much said about life underlying in these beautiful books.
Anyway, I was thinking about when Gandalf falls in the mines of Moria, and the looks on the faces of the Frodo and the companions as he is most certainly meeting his doom. The expression on their faces was not a look due to loss of love for a coach, or a guide, but a different kind of love—perhaps for a dear loved one–perhaps like a father. Their faces told so much.
I was also thinking about Denethor, in the “Return of the King“…not as a father, but as a comparison to myself. Denethor was overwhelmed by the forces of depression that Sauron inflicted on him. I, too, let the Evil One do the same with me. Like I have said before, I let the evil one tell me that I am worthless and that life is meaningless. My mind is like the palantir, a place of deception. The evil one uses it to show me only what he wants me to see—that I am worthless. This allows me to live in despair rather than the goodness of great joy and light. Like Denethor, I continue to battle the great forces of evil, but when the battle is really at hand—I want to flee.
Denethor was blind to so many things: hope, courage, and love. He grieved so much about the passing of his son Boromir dying that he could not fix his eyes on anything positive. Gandalf says something like, “Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt…”
I am like that with my hurts from my past. Instead of fixing my eyes on Jesus, I dwell in my past. This leads to great despair.
To make problems worse, Denethor sends Faramir out to do his job. The job which Denethor should be doing himself—to battle against evil one. When Faramir comes back to his father, and he is thought to be mortally wounded; it is only then that Denethor begins to regret what he has been doing—that he was only thinking of himself.
This last loss breaks Denothor’s spirit. He thinks only of suicide. He has no hope. But in reality there is hope, but he is too blind to see this. In his fit of insanity he has his soldiers build a pyre for him to be placed upon. He feels that he deserves this kind of death because he has been dishonorable.
I kind of understand this feeling. I have felt that same fit of insanity, and shamefulness. It is hard to get out of this state when it seems that everything is spiraling, and who would come to save you.
But like Christ to me, Gandalf does come to try and save Denethor. Gandalf rebukes Denethor. He tells Denethor, “Authority is not given to you, Steward of Gondor, to order the hour of your death…And only the heathen kings, under the domination of the Dark Power, did thus, slaying themselves in pride and despair, murdering their kin to ease their own death.”
Gandalf was trying to tell Denethor that he did not have this right to kill himself; but, Denethor does not listen. In the end, we know what happens to Denethor…he chose death over joy.
Thus later after Denethor’s death, the conversation between Gandalf and Pippin and Pippin says, “I did not think it would end this way.”
Gandalf replies, “End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.”
Pippin says, “What? Gandalf? See what?”
Gandalf replies, “White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.”
You see, there is hope amidst the darkness. How wonderful is that? I am trying so hard to hold onto this thought. I must pray for strength. I am still in the beginning stages, and will continue on my grand journey. I am going to continue to submerge myself into His healing waters–into His word, and prayer.
My friend, Jeff Judson, once told me, that he didn’t see it as a curtain between life and death, but a curtain between our current false perceptions and truth as God made it. “So when we actually lean into our problems, face them head on with the power of the Holy Spirit, they turn out to be just curtains of rain. They are opaque and seemingly solid, but when we walk through them into the arms of Christ, they are just a curtain of water, and our delusions are washed away with the water of the spirit as we step through the curtain”.
He asked me, “Who would want to live in a fake world of lies and distortions? So why do we choose to do just that in our daily lives?”
With knowing this I should never feel threatened by the forces of darkness that surround me. Jesus was declared the victor over evil, and there is hope. That is not to say that I won’t have bad days; but, it is nice to know that I can be free of that bondage.
It’s like the side view mirror on a car that says…”Hope: objects in mirror are closer than they appear”. The object of my desire is hope, and it’s closer than I think.
“…and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.” and “When you were dead in your sins and in the circumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.” ~ Colossians 2:10, 13-15
Are You More? You Are More!
We all have some kind of God given talent. Why is it so hard for others (including myself) to recognize our talent? Even worse, why don’t others knowing they have one…just don’t want to share it? Isn’t the purpose of the body of Christ for us to come together as a community of believers to share, grow, and pray with each other? Shouldn’t we be lifting each other up to Him, and all for the glory of Him?
Maybe there is more? Maybe we are more? There are so many people who have great talents to share, and in many different kinds of ways; such as through poetry, good communicated thoughts, through art and music, and even from experiences or intuition that allow for sharing of wisdom. People might begin to realize that they have the potential to be more than they think they are…or even more than what others might expect.
I love Tenth Avenue North‘s song, “You Are More“! The making of the video (http://tenthavenuenorth.com/videos) is a testimony in and of itself. The band members are lighthearted in the making of the video; but, definitely get their points across. The making of the video and the song should both be viewed. Below is a portion of their song:
“‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to.,
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.”
~ Tenth Avenue North “You Are More”
The band, and the producers, had people write in words and/or phrases that might include mistakes they have made, things they may have been labeled as, or painful experiences or secrets wanting to hide.
The lead vocal, Mike, reassures us that we all make mistakes. No one is perfect (but Christ). He also reaffirms that the good news from the gospel tells us that despite our mistakes…and because of the blood of Jesus…we are made new. Do you hear that! We are made new! We are made in His image. We can be forgiven for our past mistakes, our heinous secrets, or whatever lies the devil wants us to believe.
The fact they used real people in the video made it more apparently real to me. Also, at the end when the water flows over the chalkboard, like art or a beautiful poem, I hold a visual in my head of these mistakes being washed away. I can have a clean slate because of what He did for me!
…going back to the wisdom from others. Not all wisdom needs to be taken as the “only” way. That is why we have the good news of the Gospel. We also have learned and trained pastors to help us better understand the wisdom that has been bestowed upon us—through His words.
So if we have good news to share why is there a lack of sharing it? Could one person do all the “reaching out”—trying to make a difference? Of course not. The problem may be that others don’t have the confidence to share. More sadly, others may have not found their strength to share. Sometimes a strength may come about from a weakness made known. It could be right under their noses, and they not even realize it.
There is an exception to this rule. The only One that could reach to everyone–did just that for us. Jesus took it upon Himself to make a difference in our lives, and for our lives, by letting us pin Him to the cross. In essence, we abused and neglected Christ by standing by, and doing nothing, watching Him suffer. He gladly did this for us.
There is so much pain and affliction in this world. I could not even make a dent in the list; but, one very dear, and close to my heart, is that of abuse and neglect. I realize this topic can be very broad with many different types; but, nevertheless…abuse is abuse…no matter how you look at it.
It is also a topic most don’t like to acknowledge because it is dark, and holds many secrets.
Abuse and Neglect can be an act or failure to act on the part of [the one being abused] which could result in serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; sometimes even death.
Lots of people don’t understand abuse; because frankly, unless they have experienced it…they can’t comprehend it.
The sad thing is that many have been abused, and don’t even know it. I have had people tell me that they have never been abused. After getting to know them, I may hear them tell a story of an incident that happened to them. In all aspects, it sounds like abuse to me.
There are no criteria, or levels, one experiences in order for it to be known as “abuse”. It looks different to each individual; however, some abuses are blatant and are definitely noticeable. I would hope others might learn the warning signs, and try to reach out to those that have experienced such things rather than looking upon them as if they were a leper. This may compound the issue, and break trust within the person needing help.
There are different coping skills for different circumstances. Finding a healthy coping skill is important for healing to begin. There are lots of resources; but, it is a matter of being able to utilize some of those resources.
The community of church is a great resource for helping survivors of abuse. This allows for sharing, praying, and encouraging. It not only can be a blessing to the one receiving; but, for the one giving.
The problem that arises from this situation is that some, who have been sheltered, may not be as accepting of the brokenness as the one whom it involves. The one, who is dealing with the pain of the abuse, may feel as though they are being judged. In most cases, the abused person desires to know that His grace is real, and to be accepted despite their heinous secret—their brokenness.
Trust needs to be made, so that healing may begin.
There are lots of Biblical resources that are accessible to those needing encouragement. I would hope that His body might utilize some of those resources to help the afflicted. Sometimes, not knowing what to do, the body may ignore the warning signs rather than aggressively seeking to help heal the part that is ill. But, these are very rare instances.
Other resources may be groups that have people who have survived particular abuses. They have the knowledge, and experience, to help with coping skills, give encouragement, and direct further—if further direction is needed. There are many books, blogs, websites, etc. with a plethora of information. It could be as easy as a click away to get some of the help needed.
Reading books about surviving abuse is great; but, having an actual human that will share (or is able to share) their experience of how they found hope and changed their coping skills, is vital to the process of healing. That is why a need for a “close” community is important. One wouldn’t go to a Chemistry class if British Literature was what was needed to be learned. The same goes for a group that understands the abused person’s particular needs.
I realize that I [one person] can’t inform the people of the world, nor do I desire this; but, I do desire that we bond together, and gather as a community to inform. Who knows, we might begin to make a difference in each other’s lives…and maybe that would help us in the community of the people of the world.
“For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” ~Matthew 18:20
Where is My Love? Where is my Hope?
The question arises, how can a “faithful” Christian have such depressed thoughts that they may consider hurting themselves? Even worse, what if they actually take their own life? Could it be an alternative to facing their fears of rejection (broken trust), shame & guilt from some heinous secret, or a feeling of worthlessness and disgrace?
The Bible does say in Romans that we all sin and we all fall short. We are human living in a fallen world. But, knowing that we were sinners, God sent His son to be pinned and die on the cross for our sins. Christ took our desperation and turned into something great to live for.
Granted most people, at least one time in their life, have probably had thoughts of ending it all (suicide). The amount one dwells on suicide, or letting it consume their being, plays an important part in the level of depression one may be experiencing. We live in a valley of shadow and death; but, within that valley there is life.
Christians are definitely not immune to trials. Being a Christian does not solve all problems; but, it does assure one thing—His forgiveness of all our sins. This is great news! Also, a lot of people think that Christians are “exempt” from the worst of these things.
HELLO! So not true! The devil works overtime to put Christians in a head lock that is impossible to get out of…on their own. Look at Job, Paul, and Moses…they were in some “real” messes that they became desperate enough to want to die.
You may be thinking, “What kept those ‘men of the Bible’ from doing the ‘unthinkable’?” It was love for Him! It was hope in Him!
God intends for us to live a life that He desires for us…a life that includes Him. God promised us a life of hope, love, grace, and mercy; but, He never promised a life where bad things would never happen to good people.
The truth is that the more we “live” our lives for Him, and through Him, the more the evil one tries to breakdown the life of His body in us; thus, trying to destroy us. Because God gave us the freedom to choose, the evil one uses it to his advantage. Satan tries to convince that harming each other, or to telling lies to disgrace…is the way of this world. Sadly, many fall for his trap, and cause much pain for others…including myself.
The “world” can have two different meanings: 1) the world (biosphere) we live in, and 2) the struggles that we experience while living in this world. Sadness and depression is a natural part of life. God gave us these emotions (as well as many others) as a way of dealing with the brokenness of the world we live in. It is the degree that we carry these emotions that can be detrimental to self, or others. Sometimes the reactions of our emotions may be due to an early childhood type of abuse; therefore, it is a way of coping. The problem is as adults those same coping mechanisms don’t work the same way as they did with the child.
The key, in overcoming severe depression, is community…with others. Community can be within a group of church members, or within a support group outside of church. Both can be vital in the healing and recovering process of the oppressed and depressed. Research shows that a committed community, to those that are inflicted with brokenness, can become a vital part in the healing process.
We often need help from others to make sense of what is going on within our inner-selves, and to help us break out of patterns of sin and brokenness. Such freedom to discuss our inner-selves with another person creates a bond whose acceptance is not based on performance but on unconditional love.
The devil does not want hope or love to be found. He will do everything in his power to divert the attention from Him to the lies of desperation that make us feel worthless (which pleases him the evil one). He seemingly causes a feeling of overwhelming disgrace that begins abounding in once joyful hearts. Depression can often become more agonizing than physical pain.
The Bible says that people are of great significance because of being made in the image of God—for His glory. We have become adopted into God’s family. We learn that it is not what we’ve done to deserve to be a part of His family; but, what He did for us. Christ’s death is the reason for our acceptance by God. He promises to never let us go.
This “amazing grace” that God has given us should lead to a life of dedication to Him…allowing us to fight the ongoing battle against the world of sins. God uses the trials of our life to help become more aware of Him, and to have a desire to be more like Christ.
God sometimes uses difficult trials to discipline. In the fight against the evil one, hope is vital. We must listen and draw near to Him. We must be encouraged that this is His sign of His love.
We are reminded that we don’t just struggle against our own idols, or sins; but, against “spiritual forces of evil” in the idol “world” of sin. We must learn to put on the full armor of God. We must wear it every day and always. This will provide protection from the devil’s “fiery darts. We also must “pray just to make it through the day”.
We live with many emotions. We live with groaning hearts. We live with rejoicing hearts.
Where is my love? Where is my hope? It lies within my faith knowing that there is a Lord, Jesus Christ, who sanctified me with His loving grace–by dying on the cross.
This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it! ~Psalm 188:24
Light at the End of the Tunnel
One afternoon I began to reflect about the circumstances that have happened to me over the last couple of years, and how I have come to place where I am now. I thought about the many ups and downs, and the many turns I have taken to get here. How I should be 
Even in my darkest night, He has shown me His Light at the end of the tunnel.
Had Christ been trying to reveal His Light to my heart? Have I been blind to His attempts to shine on me? If I would slow down and take time to remember all of His gracious acts, my confidence in Him would be strengthened and my passion to know Him would be greater. I need to draw near to Him so that I can better understand Him and His amazing grace.
Because of my childhood abuse, I have often longed for an exclusive relationship with others. I want to be intimate– not like a sexual intimacy—but to share my thoughts, ideas, concerns, and to grow with others learning about the Kingdom of Christ.
With that being said, I understand that no human could ever fulfill the job description of being my exclusive other in a relationship. My expectations have been formed in my mind. It’s really no one’s privilege to be in an exclusive relationship…except for God.
Frankly after the sexual abuse that I experienced from my step father, I had no desire to have an exclusive relationship–especially with a Father whom I really did not know much about. What if He would be like my step father? I only imagined that His anger was much worse than my step father. I was frightened.
Then I thought about the love of God. I had never thought about being intimate with God. I began to look at Him in a different Light. When I began to think about the things that I recently learned, and had read, I found that God was quite stimulating.
I never really thought about God “wining and dining” me. That He truly considers me to be His bride. I knew that He would love me and protect me like no other. I never thought about God having exclusive rights of me. As an added learning bonus, I was excited to read about being given a special name on a white rock that only I will know that that it’s He who is calling me. How cool is that? Very intimate indeed!
In lots of ways I still behave like a child; for instance, I can be too needy for some—desiring more attention than deserved. I also believed in such a way as to have child-like faith. I thought there would be someone to love me unconditionally (here on Earth) and protect me from the evil–like I had experienced as a child. I passionately wanted this love to happen to “me”, and more importantly–for “me”.
I had not realized that my thoughts had become all about “me”…my own desires, selfishness, and of course – my pride. All these things had become my idols. I always thought that idols were people, or material things. I never really thought about my emotions as being idols.
Although I have been/felt betrayed, abandoned, and even mocked; I had not realized that I was letting the load of shame and guilt take control of me. They were becoming and being made my idols. I was in a whirlpool of idolatry. I know that others have alluded to this many times, but it is hard to get a stubborn person to look into the mirror to actually see them as they are—broken and scarred sinner.
I found out I had a lot of anger that had become deeply rooted inside of me. My anger varied from different things, to certain people, and even to my God. The poison that built up inside of me was festering and being shown as contempt for self, and others. It even brought me to the point of considering suicide as a choice rather than honestly facing my fears and anger.
Jesus does comfort all who mourn! He bared all of my sins and iniquities on the cross, so I could live. I have no right to take that away from Him. Only He decides when it is right for me to meet Him in Heaven.
I have learned that people are human, and I should not expect more from them; to be all “healing, loving, and protecting” to me. But, I do think God sends those that surround us as confidants, or “attendants” on His behalf. They are placed in my life to help me understand the wisdom that has been bestowed before me.
I have discovered that I have much insecurity. I do not always understand what is being taught. Not wanting to acknowledge that I really need help, I blow up in a fit of anger. In essence, I hurt those that I really care about, and really need. There is no excuse for my behavior. I can only ask for forgiveness.
Again, I have been thinking about the different pieces of the puzzle that others have been trying to teach me. They have patiently tried to help me piece it together. Once the puzzle is together, I should realize that Jesus is the best, or exclusive, gift I could ever dream of receiving. He is, and should be, my all! He is on the side of the brokenhearted! He is my champion–my knight in shining armor.
True brokenness will lead me to Him, and help me to break free from my idolatry of shame; the shame I have carried from my past into my present. I learn to be repentant, and not let my pride always get in my way. I shall have faith that He will lead me to the Light at the end of the tunnel. He passionately desires this for me…to learn to find my way toward Him.
Christ is my everlasting Light, and the darkness of my past shall be no more. I see the Light at the end of the tunnel.
Prayer of healing for abuse
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We have all lived through things that we never thought we were capable of.
We will have the strength to carry on…with the Son, and through the Son.
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