A Beautiful Kind of Broken
Over the years, I tried to mend my wounded heart by myself; unfortunately, I did not seek help in the most appropriate way. I have learned that I can’t be, nor anyone else can be my savior; thus, often resulting in feeling rejected which created a low self-esteem…leading to despair…because in my mind, I could not be fixed or saved. Therefore, I must come to the conclusion (on my own & my own time) that no one can “fix” me; except, for Jesus.
My Pastor, Tom Gibbs, once told me that I must learn to let Jesus love me, and I must love Him in return. If I don’t do this…it will be impossible for Him to pull my weeds and replace them with flowers. I have really come far despite my abuse and lack of knowing a lot about the Good News; but, I can cultivate a bigger garden if I let Him help me, and others are willing to continue to mentor me.
I will say that learning to relate to God as a new creation is a difficult concept for me. I want to attempt to hide my very being from Him. I am ashamed of my past. I feel guilty. I don’t feel safe. The safety issue brings several things to my mind…how could He let all this abuse happen (past and present)? What kind of sick dad sends His only Son to be killed? That is no way to protect, or make someone feel safe. Because of my past…these thoughts have crept up in the back of my mind. How can I feel safe knowing that He will take care of me…when these things have happened?
The Biblical truth is that I can feel safe with Him. I am safe to succeed or fail. I also understood that there is truth to making individuals feel safe in church, or community. Through communities the restoration for my brokenness can take place. For people like me, I may think that others do not have problems that they have it all together because of the hiddenness within our community. Often times the ones that are struggling–try to become more hidden, or withdraw, from the community because of fear that their secrets might be “found out”. I finally understand that. First, I was told to tell my secrets, and now…don’t tell them except to one who claims he can’t help. So what is the point? I am so confused! Telling my secrets only brought more pain with no outlet to deal with them.
Unfortunately, telling past secrets doesn’t get rid of the pain …it actually just opens the door (which is not understood by most) to help begin the process of healing. When left undone, it causes much more pain and anxiety. So what’s wrong with learning the process of helping others? That is what I want to learn how to do, so that I can use this brokenness as a gift to help others. Unfortunately, I have been discarded as “too needy” and not worthwhile to nurture to bring out such a gift.
There are lots of beautiful broken Christians that are at battle with a real war inside of them. I know that I did not originally want to reveal my past with a select few for fear of rejection, and not feeling safe enough to be forgiven when my sins of my past were exposed. I almost felt that because I screwed up with trusting some that the lesson I learned is not to confess my sinful past, or abuse, because now I no longer feel safe. I keep telling myself that it would have been best to have kept things hidden; although, hiding would not have changed any of the abuse, then or now.
I feel this safety issue is a very sensitive topic. Is there a question that some may take advantage of this thing called grace? Should one be walked through the healing process of confessing, being forgiven, and eventually being restored? Could there be a difference between immaturity (lack of understanding Him) and someone’s sinful nature of worshiping idols? Or is it a combination? Should they be forgiven or just discounted as a failure to abide by certain rules or time frames?
Being safe doesn’t always mean to feel safe to fail. It can also mean to feel safe to succeed. I want to be encouraged to be the Bride of Christ, to be His Beloved, to be that Oak of Righteousness like I have heard in some sermons. There is a difference between righteousness and holiness. If I understand correctly, we become righteous when we accept Jesus into our heart as our Savior because of His death on the cross. Grace enables us to pursue holiness, once we are made righteous, by seeking His Godly character & applying it to our lives.
I must tell you that most individuals who have been abused have a hard time trusting anyone, especially Christians. There are some who would be quick to judge the abused without knowing the whole story…my story (or anybody else’s story for that matter). That was why a support system was needed to be in place, to help me learn to trust. Yes, I know I have a hard time breaking away from dependency of others; but think about it…I have had to depend on myself for years (since I was a child), and look where that has gotten me.
Why can’t some dependency be considered for wanting to truly understand His love? The support system should be built out of love & compassion; not out of pity for the abused to be labeled as a project to be worked on. Especially, if the project goes awry it could cause the building of the structure to be idled. A safe and stable place should be built for the broken and for them not to worry about performance expectations…or trying to be healed sooner because of someone else’s time frame.
Remember, the abused person is trying to heal, and for this reason one should step back & say it is not about me…it is about the child of God who carries this pain. No one really wants to be sick! I never wanted this pain of abuse, or the memories of it that often triggers horrible feelings within my soul. Far from it! I never desired to be taken advantage by a perverted man who was supposed to love and protect me…be my trusted parent.
I needed to get to a place where I could trust God and feel safe–because of what had been done to me in the past, and even what is happening now. I also needed to trust God with what I had done. People who have been abused have lost their identity, and often need to be validated by those who believe in them. It’s important to talk these things out, in my case the abuse, to be able to remove my wrong perception of the present and what might happen in the future. Yes, specialized counselors (such as mine…Clifton Fuller) are great for this; but, humor me to read on.
Abused victims, or survivors, don’t necessarily know who they are. Over the years I took on different identities as a form of protection. Many worked for me as a child; but now it is a problem as an adult. Sometimes there are those who can & will victimize the abused. They will plague them with chores, verbally abusive words, until they are completely sleep deprived from over exhaustion and utterly worn out. This allows the victim to become more easily moldable into a certain state of mind by the abuser. Does that make sense? This is when the victim “freezes up” during certain situations, and does not respond or handle the current situation with finesse. I know this tactic all too much. I have continued to live in this state of confusion for most of my life.
In searching for my true identity (in the image of God), I needed to know that I was of equal value as any other human. My brokenness may come across as being “too needy” or “desperate” for some; but in actuality, I needed to understand my value as a person–which I don’t always see in myself. For this reason as well, I feel that God might use me in other’s lives to learn how to build meaningful relationships with certain kinds of broken people like me.
In essence, my survival thus far, should be a blessing to others, and build confidence that His Kingdom can be furthered by understanding the certain kind of brokenness found within me. Those survival strategies that I learned as a child could be used as gifts to help reach others. By recognizing their strategies, or walls they built up, I might be able to be help some of them; unfortunately, I am still unlocking some of those gifts to be able to be helpful. It would be easier to unlock those gifts with encouragement.
In losing my identity, I also lost the true identity and nature of God. In a sense, I am a child (a new creation), and I need to start over with the faith process. I may need to have the basics of faith told to me more than once. I will need to have Grace explained in depth. I will need to understand God’s characteristics on an intimate level. Truth is that because of my abuse, even though others may find it hard to believe, I can trust that I am in a safe place and I will not be rejected for my past, or sins.
We are all unique, and each one brings a different gift to the table. In fact, I want to be a blessing to the community as well, and not be treated like a project. I don’t want others to feel they have to help me because God would want them to help me; but, to help me because they have a real compassion to help me for who I am…and not knowing of what or who I could become in His Kingdom later.
I need to stop hiding behind my mask and become a beautiful kind of broken.
“I shall heal your broken heart with My words of love. My truth shall prevail over all your trials and tribulations. I see your fears and sorrows; your struggles, your pain and suffering, and I shall not abandon you in your hour of need. My mighty right hand is already stretched out to heal and give peace and abundant life. I am at work. I am Jehovah – I AM THAT I AM.”
Are You More? You Are More!
We all have some kind of God given talent. Why is it so hard for others (including myself) to recognize our talent? Even worse, why don’t others knowing they have one…just don’t want to share it? Isn’t the purpose of the body of Christ for us to come together as a community of believers to share, grow, and pray with each other? Shouldn’t we be lifting each other up to Him, and all for the glory of Him?
Maybe there is more? Maybe we are more? There are so many people who have great talents to share, and in many different kinds of ways; such as through poetry, good communicated thoughts, through art and music, and even from experiences or intuition that allow for sharing of wisdom. People might begin to realize that they have the potential to be more than they think they are…or even more than what others might expect.
I love Tenth Avenue North‘s song, “You Are More“! The making of the video (http://tenthavenuenorth.com/videos) is a testimony in and of itself. The band members are lighthearted in the making of the video; but, definitely get their points across. The making of the video and the song should both be viewed. Below is a portion of their song:
“‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to.,
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.”
~ Tenth Avenue North “You Are More”
The band, and the producers, had people write in words and/or phrases that might include mistakes they have made, things they may have been labeled as, or painful experiences or secrets wanting to hide.
The lead vocal, Mike, reassures us that we all make mistakes. No one is perfect (but Christ). He also reaffirms that the good news from the gospel tells us that despite our mistakes…and because of the blood of Jesus…we are made new. Do you hear that! We are made new! We are made in His image. We can be forgiven for our past mistakes, our heinous secrets, or whatever lies the devil wants us to believe.
The fact they used real people in the video made it more apparently real to me. Also, at the end when the water flows over the chalkboard, like art or a beautiful poem, I hold a visual in my head of these mistakes being washed away. I can have a clean slate because of what He did for me!
…going back to the wisdom from others. Not all wisdom needs to be taken as the “only” way. That is why we have the good news of the Gospel. We also have learned and trained pastors to help us better understand the wisdom that has been bestowed upon us—through His words.
So if we have good news to share why is there a lack of sharing it? Could one person do all the “reaching out”—trying to make a difference? Of course not. The problem may be that others don’t have the confidence to share. More sadly, others may have not found their strength to share. Sometimes a strength may come about from a weakness made known. It could be right under their noses, and they not even realize it.
There is an exception to this rule. The only One that could reach to everyone–did just that for us. Jesus took it upon Himself to make a difference in our lives, and for our lives, by letting us pin Him to the cross. In essence, we abused and neglected Christ by standing by, and doing nothing, watching Him suffer. He gladly did this for us.
There is so much pain and affliction in this world. I could not even make a dent in the list; but, one very dear, and close to my heart, is that of abuse and neglect. I realize this topic can be very broad with many different types; but, nevertheless…abuse is abuse…no matter how you look at it.
It is also a topic most don’t like to acknowledge because it is dark, and holds many secrets.
Abuse and Neglect can be an act or failure to act on the part of [the one being abused] which could result in serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; sometimes even death.
Lots of people don’t understand abuse; because frankly, unless they have experienced it…they can’t comprehend it.
The sad thing is that many have been abused, and don’t even know it. I have had people tell me that they have never been abused. After getting to know them, I may hear them tell a story of an incident that happened to them. In all aspects, it sounds like abuse to me.
There are no criteria, or levels, one experiences in order for it to be known as “abuse”. It looks different to each individual; however, some abuses are blatant and are definitely noticeable. I would hope others might learn the warning signs, and try to reach out to those that have experienced such things rather than looking upon them as if they were a leper. This may compound the issue, and break trust within the person needing help.
There are different coping skills for different circumstances. Finding a healthy coping skill is important for healing to begin. There are lots of resources; but, it is a matter of being able to utilize some of those resources.
The community of church is a great resource for helping survivors of abuse. This allows for sharing, praying, and encouraging. It not only can be a blessing to the one receiving; but, for the one giving.
The problem that arises from this situation is that some, who have been sheltered, may not be as accepting of the brokenness as the one whom it involves. The one, who is dealing with the pain of the abuse, may feel as though they are being judged. In most cases, the abused person desires to know that His grace is real, and to be accepted despite their heinous secret—their brokenness.
Trust needs to be made, so that healing may begin.
There are lots of Biblical resources that are accessible to those needing encouragement. I would hope that His body might utilize some of those resources to help the afflicted. Sometimes, not knowing what to do, the body may ignore the warning signs rather than aggressively seeking to help heal the part that is ill. But, these are very rare instances.
Other resources may be groups that have people who have survived particular abuses. They have the knowledge, and experience, to help with coping skills, give encouragement, and direct further—if further direction is needed. There are many books, blogs, websites, etc. with a plethora of information. It could be as easy as a click away to get some of the help needed.
Reading books about surviving abuse is great; but, having an actual human that will share (or is able to share) their experience of how they found hope and changed their coping skills, is vital to the process of healing. That is why a need for a “close” community is important. One wouldn’t go to a Chemistry class if British Literature was what was needed to be learned. The same goes for a group that understands the abused person’s particular needs.
I realize that I [one person] can’t inform the people of the world, nor do I desire this; but, I do desire that we bond together, and gather as a community to inform. Who knows, we might begin to make a difference in each other’s lives…and maybe that would help us in the community of the people of the world.
“For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” ~Matthew 18:20