As You Wish…Broken For You
I definitely seem to be in a battle of Spiritual warfare. It seems Satan is always trying to make me feel worthless; therefore, it’s important for me to surround myself with a “friend that loveth at all times.” Knowing that, I am far from being a good friend; I can definitely get wrapped up in “my own little world”.
I was thinking about this on a bit deeper level. There are people in my life who are more like acquaintances. They have really not touched the inner core of my personal being, and I seem to be able to carry on a nice casual conversation. I thought this funny that I could meet a stranger, whom I will never see again, and greet them with a certain nicety.
On the flip side, there are a few that I regard as trusted confidants; those that seem to “loveth me at all times”…even during my bad times. I am sure I catch them off guard with my “irrational” emotions. I can only imagine being my friend can be rather taxing at times. I definitely have a funny way of showing loving kindness on certain occasions. In the midst of trying to understand, or confront, my own emotions–I seemingly confront them emotionally & not always rationally.
One moment I can be positively nice, and in the next moment, I can confront them with some insidious remark. I will say this is not a normal practice of mine. Yes, I may say something totally ludicrous; but, not always hurtful. I make no excuses for this behavior when it occurs. I must be sincere in asking for forgiveness when this happens.
…Switching gears with my ADD thinking…
God tries to confront me with His goodness. Sometimes I consider Him to be “interrupting me”, and not think Him to be very important. I am not always thankful for His “interruption” in my life. Like my unwanted emotions on others, it “seems” as though God confronts me at unpredictable times.
On the other hand there seems to be times that I am encountering loneliness, heartache, and pain. During these instances in my life, it “seems” to me that God is not “interrupting” me at all. In fact, I feel as if He is ignoring me.
I have to realize that it’s not because God wants me to “suffer”; but, that He wants me to know that He has an “unimaginable” pleasure–for me. His grace and mercy covers me in these dark times. His arms are wrapped around me. I just have to keep that in mind, and not think that He is trying to “trick me”.
Satan tricks. GOD DOES NOT!
I am reminded of a quote that Westly tells Princess Buttercup in “The Princess Bride”,
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
Again, God really does love me! He is not trying to “sell” me something. He loves me unconditionally! In return, God desires for me to come to Him, and tell Him I love Him. He is filled with great joy and happiness when I do so. He is not out to “trick” me.
My husband, Sam, had me listen to a message by Jamie Lash one afternoon. It reminded me of how I sometimes think God is “interrupting” my day. That His will for me may be “interrupting” what I desire for myself.
After listening to one of Jamie’s messages, a lady stayed behind to ask him a question. She was obviously, like many, afraid to abandon herself to God’s will. She asked Jamie, “What might God want me to do with my life?” She was worried that He might want her to do something that she really did not want to do…or that was not her will for herself.
Jamie went on to ask her, “What if your child was to come up to you, and say that he/she really loved you with all of her/his heart. Would you, in turn, laugh an insidious laugh and say, ‘I got you now! From now on you will clean the toilet every day! I finally tricked you!”
The lady was offended and said, “What kind of mom do you think I am?”
Jamie’s response was, “What kind of Father do you think God is?”
WOW! Through my brokenness, God reveals His goodness to me…even when I think He is “interrupting” my will. This is great news!! “No matter what my experiences have been with my “earthly” parents, or as parents to our children, we are to give voice to the cry within us for the Father who nourishes us and protects us.” (Dan Allender, “The Cry of the Soul”)
I think it very ironic that my experiences of pain, fear, anger, & shame (of the world I live in) actually bring me closer to the joys and mercies of God. This is the way He intended for me to really live. God delights in me! He desires me to “dance with Him wildly”. He goes to great lengths to keep me from pursuing others before Him. He wants me to desire Him as if there were no other lover. I need to remember how intimate He is…with me. I am His bride like no other.
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith,
who for joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame…”
~ Hebrews 12:2
Christ is not trying to “sell” me something, or even “trick” me. Above all things, Christ bared my shame, so I could live in joy! The least I could do is praise Him with adoration, and not confront Him with irrational emotions.
After all, He was nailed on the cross and He did not laugh an insidious laugh. Instead He said to me,