A Beautiful Kind of Broken

Over the years, I tried to mend my wounded heart by myself; unfortunately, I did not seek help in the most appropriate way.  I have learned that I can’t be, nor anyone else can be my savior; thus, often resulting in feeling rejected which created a low self-esteem…leading to despair…because in my mind, I could not be fixed or saved.  Therefore, I must come to the conclusion (on my own & my own time) that no one can “fix” me; except, for Jesus.

My Pastor, Tom Gibbs, once told me that I must learn to let Jesus love me, and I must love Him in return.  If I don’t do this…it will be impossible for Him to pull my weeds and replace them with flowers.  I have really come far despite my abuse and lack of knowing a lot about the Good News; but, I can cultivate a bigger garden if I let Him help me, and others are willing to continue to mentor me.

I will say that learning to relate to God as a new creation is a difficult concept for me. I want to attempt to hide my very being from Him. I am ashamed of my past.  I feel guilty.  I don’t feel safe. The safety issue brings several things to my mind…how could He let all this abuse happen (past and present)?  What kind of sick dad sends His only Son to be killed?  That is no way to protect, or make someone feel safe.  Because of my past…these thoughts have crept up in the back of my mind.  How can I feel safe knowing that He will take care of me…when these things have happened?

The Biblical truth is that I can feel safe with Him.  I am safe to succeed or fail.  I also understood that there is truth to making individuals feel safe in church, or community.  Through communities the restoration for my brokenness can take place.  For people like me, I may think that others do not have problems that they have it all together because of the hiddenness within our community.  Often times the ones that are struggling–try to become more hidden, or withdraw, from the community because of fear that their secrets might be “found out”.  I finally understand that.  First, I was told to tell my secrets, and now…don’t tell them except to one who claims he can’t help.  So what is the point?  I am so confused!  Telling my secrets only brought more pain with no outlet to deal with them.

Unfortunately, telling past secrets doesn’t get rid of the pain …it actually just opens the door (which is not understood by most) to help begin the process of healing. When left undone, it causes much more pain and anxiety.  So what’s wrong with learning the process of helping others?  That is what I want to learn how to do, so that I can use this brokenness as a gift to help others.  Unfortunately, I have been discarded as “too needy” and not worthwhile to nurture to bring out such a gift.

There are lots of beautiful broken Christians that are at battle with a real war inside of them.  I know that I did not originally want to reveal my past with a select few for fear of rejection, and not feeling safe enough to be forgiven when my sins of my past were exposed.  I almost felt that because I screwed up with trusting some that the lesson I learned is not to confess my sinful past, or abuse, because now I no longer feel safe.  I keep telling myself that it would have been best to have kept things hidden; although, hiding would not have changed any of the abuse, then or now.

I feel this safety issue is a very sensitive topic.  Is there a question that some may take advantage of this thing called grace?  Should one be walked through the healing process of confessing, being forgiven, and eventually being restored?  Could there be a difference between immaturity (lack of understanding Him) and someone’s sinful nature of worshiping idols?  Or is it a combination?  Should they be forgiven or just discounted as a failure to abide by certain rules or time frames?

Being safe doesn’t always mean to feel safe to fail.  It can also mean to feel safe to succeed.  I want to be encouraged to be the Bride of Christ, to be His Beloved, to be that Oak of Righteousness like I have heard in some sermons.  There is a difference between righteousness and holiness. If I understand correctly, we become righteous when we accept Jesus into our heart as our Savior because of His death on the cross.  Grace enables us to pursue holiness, once we are made righteous, by seeking His Godly character & applying it to our lives.

I must tell you that most individuals who have been abused have a hard time trusting anyone, especially Christians.  There are some who would be quick to judge the abused without knowing the whole story…my story (or anybody else’s story for that matter). That was why a support system was needed to be in place, to help me learn to trust.  Yes, I know I have a hard time breaking away from dependency of others; but think about it…I have had to depend on myself for years (since I was a child), and look where that has gotten me.

Why can’t some dependency be considered for wanting to truly understand His love?  The support system should be built out of love & compassion; not out of pity for the abused to be labeled as a project to be worked on.  Especially, if the project goes awry it could cause the building of the structure to be idled.  A safe and stable place should be built for the broken and for them not to worry about performance expectations…or trying to be healed sooner because of someone else’s time frame.

Remember, the abused person is trying to heal, and for this reason one should step back & say it is not about me…it is about the child of God who carries this pain.  No one really wants to be sick!  I never wanted this pain of abuse, or the memories of it that often triggers horrible feelings within my soul.  Far from it!  I never desired to be taken advantage by a perverted man who was supposed to love and protect me…be my trusted parent.

I needed to get to a place where I could trust God and feel safe–because of what had been done to me in the past, and even what is happening now.  I also needed to trust God with what I had done.  People who have been abused have lost their identity, and often need to be validated by those who believe in them.  It’s important to talk these things out, in my case the abuse, to be able to remove my wrong perception of the present and what might happen in the future.  Yes, specialized counselors (such as mine…Clifton Fuller) are great for this; but, humor me to read on.

Abused victims, or survivors, don’t necessarily know who they are.  Over the years I took on different identities as a form of protection.  Many worked for me as a child; but now it is a problem as an adult. Sometimes there are those who can & will victimize the abused.  They will plague them with chores, verbally abusive words, until they are completely sleep deprived from over exhaustion and utterly worn out.  This allows the victim to become more easily moldable into a certain state of mind by the abuser.  Does that make sense?  This is when the victim “freezes up” during certain situations, and does not respond or handle the current situation with finesse.  I know this tactic all too much.  I have continued to live in this state of confusion for most of my life.

In searching for my true identity (in the image of God), I needed to know that I was of equal value as any other human.  My brokenness may come across as being “too needy” or “desperate” for some; but in actuality, I needed to understand my value as a person–which I don’t always see in myself.  For this reason as well, I feel that God might use me in other’s lives to learn how to build meaningful relationships with certain kinds of broken people like me.

In essence, my survival thus far, should be a blessing to others, and build  confidence that His Kingdom can be furthered by understanding the certain kind of brokenness found within me.  Those survival strategies that I learned as a child could be used as gifts to help reach others.  By recognizing their strategies, or walls they built up, I might be able to be help some of them; unfortunately, I am still unlocking some of those gifts to be able to be helpful.  It would be easier to unlock those gifts with encouragement.

In losing my identity, I also lost the true identity and nature of God.  In a sense, I am a child (a new creation), and I need to start over with the faith process.  I may need to have the basics of faith told to me more than once.  I will need to have Grace explained in depth.  I will need to understand God’s characteristics on an intimate level.  Truth is that because of my abuse, even though others may find it hard to believe, I can trust that I am in a safe place and I will not be rejected for my past, or sins.

We are all unique, and each one brings a different gift to the table.  In fact, I want to be a blessing to the community as well, and not be treated like a project.  I don’t want others to feel they have to help me because God would want them to help me; but, to help me because they have a real compassion to help me for who I am…and not knowing of what or who I could become in His Kingdom later.

I need to stop hiding behind my mask and become a beautiful kind of broken.

“I shall heal your broken heart with My words of love. My truth shall prevail over all your trials and tribulations. I see your fears and sorrows; your struggles, your pain and suffering, and I shall not abandon you in your hour of need. My mighty right hand is already stretched out to heal and give peace and abundant life. I am at work. I am Jehovah – I AM THAT I AM.”