A Beautiful Kind of Broken

Over the years, I tried to mend my wounded heart by myself; unfortunately, I did not seek help in the most appropriate way.  I have learned that I can’t be, nor anyone else can be my savior; thus, often resulting in feeling rejected which created a low self-esteem…leading to despair…because in my mind, I could not be fixed or saved.  Therefore, I must come to the conclusion (on my own & my own time) that no one can “fix” me; except, for Jesus.

My Pastor, Tom Gibbs, once told me that I must learn to let Jesus love me, and I must love Him in return.  If I don’t do this…it will be impossible for Him to pull my weeds and replace them with flowers.  I have really come far despite my abuse and lack of knowing a lot about the Good News; but, I can cultivate a bigger garden if I let Him help me, and others are willing to continue to mentor me.

I will say that learning to relate to God as a new creation is a difficult concept for me. I want to attempt to hide my very being from Him. I am ashamed of my past.  I feel guilty.  I don’t feel safe. The safety issue brings several things to my mind…how could He let all this abuse happen (past and present)?  What kind of sick dad sends His only Son to be killed?  That is no way to protect, or make someone feel safe.  Because of my past…these thoughts have crept up in the back of my mind.  How can I feel safe knowing that He will take care of me…when these things have happened?

The Biblical truth is that I can feel safe with Him.  I am safe to succeed or fail.  I also understood that there is truth to making individuals feel safe in church, or community.  Through communities the restoration for my brokenness can take place.  For people like me, I may think that others do not have problems that they have it all together because of the hiddenness within our community.  Often times the ones that are struggling–try to become more hidden, or withdraw, from the community because of fear that their secrets might be “found out”.  I finally understand that.  First, I was told to tell my secrets, and now…don’t tell them except to one who claims he can’t help.  So what is the point?  I am so confused!  Telling my secrets only brought more pain with no outlet to deal with them.

Unfortunately, telling past secrets doesn’t get rid of the pain …it actually just opens the door (which is not understood by most) to help begin the process of healing. When left undone, it causes much more pain and anxiety.  So what’s wrong with learning the process of helping others?  That is what I want to learn how to do, so that I can use this brokenness as a gift to help others.  Unfortunately, I have been discarded as “too needy” and not worthwhile to nurture to bring out such a gift.

There are lots of beautiful broken Christians that are at battle with a real war inside of them.  I know that I did not originally want to reveal my past with a select few for fear of rejection, and not feeling safe enough to be forgiven when my sins of my past were exposed.  I almost felt that because I screwed up with trusting some that the lesson I learned is not to confess my sinful past, or abuse, because now I no longer feel safe.  I keep telling myself that it would have been best to have kept things hidden; although, hiding would not have changed any of the abuse, then or now.

I feel this safety issue is a very sensitive topic.  Is there a question that some may take advantage of this thing called grace?  Should one be walked through the healing process of confessing, being forgiven, and eventually being restored?  Could there be a difference between immaturity (lack of understanding Him) and someone’s sinful nature of worshiping idols?  Or is it a combination?  Should they be forgiven or just discounted as a failure to abide by certain rules or time frames?

Being safe doesn’t always mean to feel safe to fail.  It can also mean to feel safe to succeed.  I want to be encouraged to be the Bride of Christ, to be His Beloved, to be that Oak of Righteousness like I have heard in some sermons.  There is a difference between righteousness and holiness. If I understand correctly, we become righteous when we accept Jesus into our heart as our Savior because of His death on the cross.  Grace enables us to pursue holiness, once we are made righteous, by seeking His Godly character & applying it to our lives.

I must tell you that most individuals who have been abused have a hard time trusting anyone, especially Christians.  There are some who would be quick to judge the abused without knowing the whole story…my story (or anybody else’s story for that matter). That was why a support system was needed to be in place, to help me learn to trust.  Yes, I know I have a hard time breaking away from dependency of others; but think about it…I have had to depend on myself for years (since I was a child), and look where that has gotten me.

Why can’t some dependency be considered for wanting to truly understand His love?  The support system should be built out of love & compassion; not out of pity for the abused to be labeled as a project to be worked on.  Especially, if the project goes awry it could cause the building of the structure to be idled.  A safe and stable place should be built for the broken and for them not to worry about performance expectations…or trying to be healed sooner because of someone else’s time frame.

Remember, the abused person is trying to heal, and for this reason one should step back & say it is not about me…it is about the child of God who carries this pain.  No one really wants to be sick!  I never wanted this pain of abuse, or the memories of it that often triggers horrible feelings within my soul.  Far from it!  I never desired to be taken advantage by a perverted man who was supposed to love and protect me…be my trusted parent.

I needed to get to a place where I could trust God and feel safe–because of what had been done to me in the past, and even what is happening now.  I also needed to trust God with what I had done.  People who have been abused have lost their identity, and often need to be validated by those who believe in them.  It’s important to talk these things out, in my case the abuse, to be able to remove my wrong perception of the present and what might happen in the future.  Yes, specialized counselors (such as mine…Clifton Fuller) are great for this; but, humor me to read on.

Abused victims, or survivors, don’t necessarily know who they are.  Over the years I took on different identities as a form of protection.  Many worked for me as a child; but now it is a problem as an adult. Sometimes there are those who can & will victimize the abused.  They will plague them with chores, verbally abusive words, until they are completely sleep deprived from over exhaustion and utterly worn out.  This allows the victim to become more easily moldable into a certain state of mind by the abuser.  Does that make sense?  This is when the victim “freezes up” during certain situations, and does not respond or handle the current situation with finesse.  I know this tactic all too much.  I have continued to live in this state of confusion for most of my life.

In searching for my true identity (in the image of God), I needed to know that I was of equal value as any other human.  My brokenness may come across as being “too needy” or “desperate” for some; but in actuality, I needed to understand my value as a person–which I don’t always see in myself.  For this reason as well, I feel that God might use me in other’s lives to learn how to build meaningful relationships with certain kinds of broken people like me.

In essence, my survival thus far, should be a blessing to others, and build  confidence that His Kingdom can be furthered by understanding the certain kind of brokenness found within me.  Those survival strategies that I learned as a child could be used as gifts to help reach others.  By recognizing their strategies, or walls they built up, I might be able to be help some of them; unfortunately, I am still unlocking some of those gifts to be able to be helpful.  It would be easier to unlock those gifts with encouragement.

In losing my identity, I also lost the true identity and nature of God.  In a sense, I am a child (a new creation), and I need to start over with the faith process.  I may need to have the basics of faith told to me more than once.  I will need to have Grace explained in depth.  I will need to understand God’s characteristics on an intimate level.  Truth is that because of my abuse, even though others may find it hard to believe, I can trust that I am in a safe place and I will not be rejected for my past, or sins.

We are all unique, and each one brings a different gift to the table.  In fact, I want to be a blessing to the community as well, and not be treated like a project.  I don’t want others to feel they have to help me because God would want them to help me; but, to help me because they have a real compassion to help me for who I am…and not knowing of what or who I could become in His Kingdom later.

I need to stop hiding behind my mask and become a beautiful kind of broken.

I shall heal your broken heart with My words of love. My truth shall prevail over all your trials and tribulations. I see your fears and sorrows; your struggles, your pain and suffering, and I shall not abandon you in your hour of need. My mighty right hand is already stretched out to heal and give peace and abundant life. I am at work. I am Jehovah – I AM THAT I AM.”


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About ehairs

I am a broken person who has chased after many idols of my own making. I tend to acknowledge my regrets more than my rewards. I have three very unique, and wonderful kids. Not only have I been blessed with my own children I have been blessed teaching at a public school. My passion is teaching, writing, and making meaningful relationships. My desire is to be more thankful for what I have received, instead of being upset about what I think I should have received. I also desire to know that I am protected and secured by His grace. To become healed of my past and present shame, guilt, and fear. To know that His grace will give me hope! Through faith I will be assured that His promise of mercy and forgiveness are very real, even if I cannot see it. I want to have a deep passion for His truth.

2 responses to “A Beautiful Kind of Broken”

  1. Dwyanna says :

    Hi Beth, this is a great post and it shows me your beautiful heart. I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. In the beginning I went to drs. for help. I desperately wanted someone to fix me. I then tried the health food world and chiropractors….I tried tons of natural products and vitamins….spent tons of money on it all!! But in reality I could not “fix” myself only Jesus can heal all those broken areas. Once I surrendered my life to Him the healing began little by little. It has been a huge process for me cause I didn’t trust Jesus at all and in reality I hated God. I didn’t want any kind of a father because fathers were bad….but there is just something about Jesus that my heart hung onto even when I was afraid of the Father. Through the years I would continue to read my Bible and pray seeking God always, asking him to reveal himself to me, even if I was afraid. Eventually this prayer and boldness changed my identity as I quit allowing my past, my abuse and my abuser to define me and started letting God define through what his son had done for me. Jesus is the one who provided a new identity for me. When I finally started realizing this truth to the core of my being it transformed who I was and how I did things. I took a year and read “Victory Over The Darkness” by Neil T. Anderson about 6 times until I had the message ground into me!!

    You don’t have to hide anything from God because he already knows it all anyway. I don’t always understand the thing that He was there when it happened but I do know this one thing and that is, He hates what was done to us!! He loves us more than we could ever comprehend and he longs to heal our wounds. These things happen because of spiritual coverings. My daddy was my covering and his life was not straight, he sexually abused me and that opened the door to the enemy. If my dad would have been living right my door would have never been open. Maybe God was there?? but the truth is my dad was in sin and that opened the door of our entire family.

    Telling past secrets is a touchy thing Beth. We can’t tell it to anyone and everyone!! It leaves us feeling completely exposed and at times violated by their harsh judgements and reactions. I am careful who I give my details to. While I share a broad spectrum of my story with many I most definitely don’t throw my details out there for everyone. Not everyone believes like I do and they would judge me for things that are not my fault. As for as any past sin I am washed and forgiven and I don’t need any religious people trying to put false guilt on me.

    Beth I always had a passion to help others too but my church deemed me non acceptable! About 10 years ago I was to lead a women’s small group when the upper leadership started getting wind of my story….it was taken from me the very day we were to have our first meeting. I was told that I was not emotionally strong enough to lead a group. It has often been put on me that I need to deal with my own things before trying to help others but that is not how I see it at all. James tells us in the Bible that by praying for others we can find healing for ourselves. I don’t want to be locked in a world of pain all alone….so, eventually we broke away from that church and I am free to do as I feel God is leading me. In reaching out to others my pain shrinks as it is no longer my only focus. In loving others I continue to grow and heal and in talking constantly to survivors I know that I am not alone in what happened to me. Everyday that I reach out to others I know that I am doing what God wants me to do and that truth brings so much healing and peace and life to my life!! I feel like a flower that is opening up for the first time in my life!!

    I just wrote a post about that – non performance thing and healing in your own time frame!! Another reason why we had to break away from our church. I just want to be me and I could not be me as long as others were putting unreachable expectations on me. Always saying “aren’t you done yet” made me feel like a failure. But I am not a failure I am a women who lived a childhood from hell and I am choosing to heal. It’s a process that we walk out not a instant thing that just happens. Read “My story in a nutshell” that I just posted Saturday night. I think I talk about that in there.

    One more thing I wanted to respond to here. Beth Jesus doesn’t pull your weeds and plant the flowers. He will show you truth but it is a choice that we make to renounce the lies and to plant and accept the truth. God doesn’t just walk in and pull the weeds out! I wish it were that simple! He shines a light into our dark world which reveals the lies we have believed. We then have a choice to make…we can choose to get rid of that lie by renouncing it (that is pulling out the weed) then we choose to embrace the truth that God has shown us (that is planting the flower)…..

    • Tracey says :

      Beautifully written Dwyanna. I was reading your words, thinking… those are MY words! And the weed thing… I too wish it was as easy as Him plucking my weeds from me, but HE does shine HIS light into our weeds, we then have a choice… to pluck or leave them. It’s take me 38 yeaars to finally begin to pluck! Shew… I’m 44, and my life is just beginning. My mask is coming off and I am on the road to my AUTHENTICITY! The me, I was created to be! Painful, YES. Scary, YES! Vulnerable, YES! But, I do believe, this process is the fertilizer for the beautiful blooms that will spring up in the spring!! Hallelujah… I’m finding myself.. my voice… the true me… my truth!!!

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