Stop…in the Name of Love!
Domestic Violence is an abuse like no other. This type of abuse affects all involved. If there is violence in the home, the whole family is involved. In honor of those who have suffered from domestic violence, my plea is stop…in the name of love
There are many people who can’t deal with the reality of their behaviors. They distort the truth to serve their self. There are a few who have no concern for others well-being, and will do whatever it takes to manipulate the situation.
Some people tend to hide their problems very well. They live an emotionally empty life creating situations to serve their own needs. Some want to come across as “good” people, yet behind closed doors they may become hurtful to others. But those on the outside don’t always see what’s going on behind closed doors; thus, causing further problems leading to some confusion.
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what’s being distorted. Those who suffer begin to doubt their reality and question whether or not they are crazy, or whether the other person is really right about what they say. Due to my past sexual abuse, I could also be one to distort reality…especially if I thought I might be abandoned, or become vulnerable.
The truth is…they, as well as myself, are not always right!
Some people don’t exhibit the volatile extreme emotions. They are calm and quiet for the most post part. They “seem” unmoved by the feelings of others…even if they really care about others. This also “seems” that they may not be fulfilled by the relationships within their lives. This may leave them with the feeling of being empty: thus, trying to fill their lives with behaviors that are not always acceptable. Others exude extreme emotions; wearing them on their sleeves when they are easily upset. I fall into the later category.
Most behaviors originate from an extreme emotion triggered by fear, or lack of confidence. I know that with my own fears of abandonment, I can easily hurt the very people I care about. I have periods of remorse, deep regret, and shame for my extreme behaviors. Most people, who hurt others, usually feel some type of remorse…of course there are those who do not seem to show any. Sometimes this period of remorse is called the “Honeymoon” period.
This period often has the feeling that there may be hope, and encouragement. Then during other periods, there may be extreme agitation, that is often intensified by the lack of self confidence, or fear of not having expectations met. Sometimes people come across as not being empathetic…especially toward another. The perception is that there is no real problem; thus, there is no need to work on any relationships.
Domestic violence is an often “smoothed over” in families today, and Christian families are not immune to its “flaming darts”. The warning signs can be hidden or disregarded.
In Proverbs 26 it says, “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking!’…The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body…Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, … A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”
Many may regret hanging on, or trying to stay in a relationship, especially when it may be debilitating. The reality is that abuse hurts, no matter who you are, or how old you are. It destroys you from the inside out, and cuts away at how you believe in yourself…your very core. There is a realization that one may face that there is no escape from the abuse without giving up a huge part of one’s life. Some put up with attacks before retreating to safety. Alcohol/substance abuse can elevate attacks. There comes a time when too long is…way too long.
When a relationship gets really bad, they can drain us. And while we all want to be faithful within our relationships, we can really get ourselves in a bind by “sticking” with a harmful situation too long. We begin not to have enough strength left to help ourselves…much less our family. We may become ill, or very irritable from lack of sleep. Anxiety takes over eventually leading to despair if help is not received. When faced with domestic violence, many seek guidance and solace within their faith.
People have a desire to be faithful within relationships. But it is really important to be realistic about our own strength. The problem is that leaving is hard. The thought of the ending of a dream as a reality is painful. Being faithful can be tiring. In fact, one may not have enough strength to leave…if it comes down to it. Repeated “fight and flight” responses to self, or another, is tiring, and might need some extra reserves just to make it through the day. Decisions that are best made for the relationship can be quite painful and draining as well.
For the abused they often feel abandoned by God. Christians often feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships because they don’t understand the scripture where it talks about submissiveness. Sometimes a church leader may strongly encourage the victim not to give up on the abuser; thus, they feel the need to remain in the relationship for fear of breaking covenant. One seriously has to look ahead to the message that is trying to be conveyed.
The message is clear. The victim got into the situation because of desiring to be loved. Instead of looking for love from people; Love must be looked for in God–the One who loves us unconditionally. God is love! Put your trust and love in God. He will never fail!
“…the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God .” ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Love comforts us! The Lord sympathizes with us. He knows what it was like to suffer needlessly at the hands of others. Because of this, we are allowed to “…approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” ~ Hebrews 4:16
Abused people are usually able to find strength in their faith and/or community. If they are comfortable doing so, they may talk to their religious leaders about their situations. If asked by the victim, spiritual support should be given. Be encouraging to one another.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” ~ Hebrews 10:24-25
As a religious community, it is important to have some knowledge on domestic violence issues. Pastors could use the pulpit as a way to educate the congregation of such issues. It’s important not to offer poor advice for a member’s situation. Sometimes advising to stay with an abuser to keep the family intact at all costs may cause more, or unnecessary, damage to the relationship(s) and sometimes safety problems. It is good advice from religious community to suggest seeking couples counseling from a trained professional.
There is so much madness that goes on behind the scenes. Verbal and emotional abuse can cause much anxiety within the victim and possibly family members. There are many horror stories of physical and sexual abuse that tags along with the previous mentioned abuses. For some there is no way out…except by death: either being the victim of someone’s abuse, or suicide to get out. It’s important to become educated on signs of domestic violence, and what to do. I pray that the religious community will get involved, and that be one of the first things to do. Even if only praying, and acting as encouragement, is all the religious community can do…that would be a blessed start and most welcomed.
Stop in the name of Love! Stop the madness of abuse. Become educated. Learn of God’s unconditional love that He has for the brokenhearted. Learn how He will renew and restore broken hearts. He gives strength to the weak, and rest to the weary. Seek Him and He will open the door to healing.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” ~ 2Corinthians 4:16-18
Begin With the End. Begin With Him!
I, personally, have a hard time focusing. Not only do I have ADD, I have trouble concentrating on what’s important at hand. I’m not exactly the best at seeing the “big” picture.
I teach school and we have been participating in Stephen Covey‘s program: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People“. The first two habits talk about being proactive, and begin with the end in mind. One must start with a clear purpose in mind of where they might want to end up. I thought about this idea, and this is what I decided.
HHHMMM!!!! Begin with the end. Begin with Him! I should focus on the cross.
My purpose in life should be knowing Christ, and building a relationship with Him. Now, I have a bad habit of focusing on my self. I tend to deal with things that pretty much-well…include me. I don’t focus on the big picture–which should be Christ. I begin to day dream and get caught up in “self”; thus, losing sight of Jesus.
Part of my problem is my lack of organization. Other problems may include idol time, and lack of passion to set the goal of learning His word (which should be a high priority). I want things to come easily. I don’t necessarily want to put out the effort. I tend to look for shortcuts. Not that doing these things, or wanting them, are always bad; but when I begin not to see the necessity of the cross…then my faithfulness has become quite superficial. I need to stop taking the easy way. Sometimes the “road less traveled” may be lonely, but necessary. My pastor, Tom Gibbs, has made emphasis about these shortcuts before.
Covey talks about being proactive versus reactive. Proactive is when you define a clear purpose of what you are working toward…with the end in sight. Reactive is when people live in the past, or can’t get out of the present. Their purpose is kind of minimal. They may remember the old way, and seem to get stuck on only dealing with that type of situation. They really don’t look to the future, and what could happen in the long run if they focused.
My pastor, Tom Gibbs, says that we are called to be active in our faith. Even when we continue with the shortcut, Christ is taking the hard way to draw near to us. He is our champion! He is our Savior! It’s right to give Him thanks and praise–at all times.
Sometimes I think I test the sincerity of God. Is He really for me? Does He really have my best interest? I tend to do all of the talking. It’s a one way relationship between God and myself. I lose focus of His plan for me, and I just look ahead to my plan. Instead of talking all of the time, I should be listening to what God has to say. He does have some skills–hahahaha!
Part of being able to focus sometimes means I might need a “time out”. This past summer my pastor took a Sabbatical. Now, I haven’t actually talked to him in person, but he has told the congregation how great it was to renew his relationship with the Lord, his wife, and kids.
I consistently need to be renewed if I am to press on in this life. How can I expect to build a relationship with God, or any other person, if I don’t take a break. In this case, taking a break to become renewed in Christ may mean taking a break from the ways of the world. I may need to meditate and pray more on His words. I will need to do my best to really listen to Him.
“Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” ~ 1 Peter 1:13
There are different ways to become renewed. Physical activity is a great way to become renewed. Eating right and exercising will give me strength and the energy I need to focus. With better focus, I could deepen my thoughts in my mind on His words. With the commitment of focusing on Him, it would touch the very core of my spirit. I would draw nearer to Him understanding that His grace and mercy is for not just for me…but for everyone. With having a renewed spirit, I might be able to begin to build relationships with others.
Building relationships means that I will have to build trust. When I build trust with another person, it gives me hope. I know that there is hope in Jesus. He is forever faithful to me. Because of Jesus’ faithfulness, I will be able to be more faithful to Him and to all that He commands of me.
I will say that a big obstacle of my focusing on His faithfulness, is meditating on His words. I’m a pretty decent prayer warrior; but the meditating on His words is tough for me to focus on. That’s where coming together as a community of believers to worship is great for people like me. The service at my church is like a “full meal deal”. There is so much going on, and it touches all aspects of a great worship service. We have meditation, prayers, music, greetings of peace, the sermon, communion, and a benediction. It just goes on and on–in a good way. My needs are definitely met, and I feel quite full of the Spirit when I leave.
Drawing near to Him, and being able to draw on all my resources of renewal, allows me to become uplifted. Being uplifted allows me to focus on Him without being distracted. Therefore, focusing would allow me to concentrate not only the uniqueness of myself, but others; thus possibly making a difference in how I see the big picture.
Christ shall be the focus of my renewal of my mind. I will be proactive with my faithfulness for Him by drawing near to Him. I will build trust in my relationship with God by becoming a better listener. I should begin with the end. I should begin with Him…keeping my eyes focused on the cross. Amen!
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” ~ Romans 12:2
I Am More Than a Broken Girl. I’ve Survived.
I was sexually abused growing up as a child; BUT, I am more than a broken girl. I’ve survived. I’m a child of God; therefore, I’m not who I used to be!
There’s a verse in Proverbs that says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son,but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” This text was originally written in Hebrew. There have been many different translations, and much interpretation; but, in this case discipline was meant to teach or guide, and it was not supposed to be used as a punishment.
I was often “disciplined” by my step father; but, looking back…it was definitely a punishment and not really a “teaching” moment. His way of disciplining varied from speaking harsh words that I was worthless, to physically hitting me, and he often sexually degraded me. I never really knew which form of discipline I would be receiving; therefore, I was constantly on edge.
The anxiety that I experienced as a child was often due to the fear of punishment. My thoughts would be when would my step father come again? What have I done to deserve this? Will I ever be good enough to warrant praise? I thought I must be very bad to be so punished. I would often feel guilty for upsetting him enough to do such things. I would associate feelings of guilt with being punished. Even today, I may apologize for something that I did not do (although I do lots of things that need apologizing for).
Child sexual abuse is the use of sexual behavior in a way to control the behaviors, or actions, of a child. Sexual abuse acted upon a child can have lasting effects that can carry through to adulthood. One of the main reasons is that the victim keeps the abuse quiet, and does not tell anyone. In a child’s mind, if there are no witnesses…who is going to believe them?
Sexual abuse can be quite confusing to a child especially when the one who is doing the abusing is supposed to be doing the loving and protecting. It’s a harsh reality and confusing when this takes place.
Looking back, I would say that no one really knew I was being abused. I had bruises, and when others asked me about them…I would just say that I got them playing sports…or I fell down. I feared being found out which could lead to more potential pain.
My step father had ways to keep me quiet. He told me I was worthless, that I was tainted, and that no one would want me. This caused a great fear of abandonment within me that I still have trouble with today–when I get depressed. Many feelings have remained with me stuck in the back of my mind. It is a sick situation–fearing that no one will want me, like me, or that I will have a spouse to take care of me. It’s a horrible feeling!
My step father said he would beat me up if I told anyone, and since he already hit me…I did not tell anyone. I seriously did not give out the gory details until my pastor and his wife recommended a book called “The Wounded Heart” by Dan Allender.
It has been three years this month (October) since I began that life changing journey. I was afraid, even as old as I was, to tell my heinous secrets from my past. I was living in darkness hoping no one would find out. The problem was that my secret was beginning to take root inside of me and weeds were beginning to grow. I was letting the darkness consume me. The lies I had heard for most of my life were turning me into a sad, broken girl.
I know I have mentioned this before; but my pastor, Tom Gibbs, once told me that, “By giving into the fear of darkness, it will only compound the pain and evil of what has already happened. By you keeping things hidden it will gain power over you. Remember, that God is Light and there is no darkness in Him.”
The Urban Dictionary has two definitions for a broken girl. A broken girl (lower case) is a girl that has tattoos that show or unconventional piercings. The bigger, or more of them, the more broken she is. A Broken Girl (capital letters) is a term the redwings use to describe a girl who… is not reputable to tell any of your friends about at all and no one would want to know about.
To me, I felt as if I was the broken girl defined. I had been told I was worthless. I felt as if I were a disgrace. I felt misunderstood. There are days I still feel like this…of course from my own doing. On occasion I have a little help from others; but, for the most part…it’s just the lies of my past.
Matthew West has an amazing album out. He took stories from other people’s lives and he wrote songs about them. His album, and tour, is called “Story of Your Life”. He did a great job writing theses songs about various experiences, and tied them to how God loves us. Some stories were of praises, and some not. There is one particular song that he wrote about a broken girl, and it was very real to me. The good news is that he talks about the Good News. Matthew talks about how God is Love… figuratively and literally in this song. He says that Love sees us differently. Love sees beauty, and He can’t be taken away from the broken girl. Matthew’s words struck a chord with me, and here are part of the lyrics of a “Broken Girl”:
Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast
Now words like “innocence”
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight
Like Matthew, I want to reiterate that God is Love. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7
God loves those who are crushed in spirit. One of my homework assignments when I first met with the Gibbs’ at their home, was to find verses where it said that God loved me. I found out that I was His Beloved. I learned lots of things that I had never known. No one had really taken an interest in me spiritually since I was 16…this was 30 years later. A lot had happened over those years. A heart became hardened. Roots of bitterness were taking over.
I had to make some changes, and quick. Tom also told me that I must learn to let Jesus love me, and I must love Him in return. If I don’t do this…it will be impossible for Him to pull my weeds and replace them with flowers. I have really come far despite my abuse and lack of knowing a lot about the Good News; but, I can cultivate a bigger garden if I let God help me.
I will say that I did question God, in the beginning of my journey, why I had to be naked and exposed? No child should have to experience this kind of pain alone. God revealed to me that I was not alone. He was with me. Christ suffered with me, and for me. The difference when Christ suffered for me was that I was in the crowd. I was the one of the ones who shamed Christ. I pinned him down with my sins. I was the one who caused His suffering and the exposing of His naked body. Jesus took my shame. He did it all for me. The truth is that Christ suffered for me, He showed me grace, and now he gives me hope.
I am more than a broken girl. I’ve survived. I have lived through things I never would thought I was capable of, and it was all because of Christ. His Love has helped me to discover that I’m worth fighting for, and He has given me strength to survive. Christ is healing me, pulling my weeds out to make a beautiful garden. I am a child of God. I’m not who I used to be.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~ Psalm 147:3
Grace To You…and Me, Too.
I have a page on Facebook for Grace Desired. There are many who come and share their feelings or prayer requests on Grace Desired. My intent is not to point this person out. I feel much the same way at times. The point is to know that we are His Beloved and saved by His grace.
This was a post I got this morning from one of my friends of Grace Desired (on Facebook). The comment was:
“It was someone who promised ‘Grace’ that abused me worst! …. grace2u! from ‘Grace Early’! Would love to receive grace but I only find condemnation!”
My heart hurts for my friend. I’m totally empathetic and sympathetic toward how they feel. I totally understand how they feel. I’m not a counselor; but, this was my response and prayer to my friend this morning before going to work:
There is no condemnation through Christ…only people condemn. The Good News is that Christ walked amongst us wearing sandals (as a human); but, He was no ordinary human. I’m sorry that you feel condemned. I can’t say that others have not made me feel that way as well. Sometimes I, myself, have caused such feelings–even within myself. I’m not saying that you have caused that; but, I know my own behaviors. There are lots of people, including Christians (which I am), who condemn others…or falsely accuse…without knowing the whole story or being empathetic toward other’s pain. We are human! God never promised that bad things would not happen to good people. He said that He would forgive us and give us rest. Our “true”rest will not come until the day of Heaven. I am definitely lifting you up in prayer, as well as many others who visit this page. God is for us…the brokenhearted. I realize that many are against us. I know that feeling all to well…even now as I write; but, the One true Father is for us. God Loves Us! You have to believe that You are His Beloved…because that is true! Anything else…are lies from the deceiver. A lot of Christians, and I’m a Christian, don’t know how to deal with other’s pain. There are a few people who are gifted in dealing with other’s pain. In fact, once the love of Christ takes over you…you have great potential to be one of those people who can care and lift others up to Him. I know you are discouraged; but, have faith. You are a survivor, and this brokenness will also come to pass. AGAIN, we will never be fully rested until the day of Christ, and we go to Heaven. AND, Amen for His grace & mercy, and a chance to be able to rest in Him! Have a blessed day! ♥ Beth
Break Free! Break Free From the Chains!
Many of us understand what bondage feels like. We feel like chains may be wrapped around multiple times constricting us with each action we make. I, personally, want to break free from the chains, and to live a life filled with God’s grace.
I realize that many of us have different battlegrounds; but, the thing we have in common is the overwhelming feeling of being held hostage within our own chains. I often wonder how am I ever going to be released from the chains in my life? These so-called chains that hold me back. Most of the time it’s my own idols holding me hostage; but, on occasion–it’s someone else’s idols holding me hostage…and that’s another blog.
Being aware of my own guilty feelings (from my past sexual abuse), I began to look inward to myself for help, instead of outward toward Him. I have worn many chains since the actual abuses have taken place. I have meticulously layered the chains of guilt, shame, perfectionism, and “pleasing others” around my neck until they have utterly weighed me down. I felt as if I were suffocating me. I was suffocating!
There are times, I have claimed freedom in Christ; only to let my past fears, and sometimes present, sneak in and take control–again. I forget that I’ve been saved by His grace. Instead I seek the wrong kind of hope, and I wait in the dark for help. I tend to put faith in myself. I tend to think that I will be able to break free from the chains on my own rather than putting my hope in God to help me break free from the chains.
I fear I am part of a commonality with other struggling Christians. I don’t always know who I am with Christ, nor do I fully understand what it means to be a child of God. And why not? In Romans it says that the Spirit Himself bore witness with my spirit to be a child of God. Ok, then why don’t I sense the feeling of being that child? Could it be the chains I’m wearing?
Last Sunday my pastor Tom Gibbs said, “We tend to resist being a Christian!” He said, “We have no excuse for knowing the God that we try so hard to suppress. We practice the lies of idolatry by suppressing His truth. Our idolatry is our way of manipulating the world around us. We are committed to our idols when we feel threatened. In essence, we practice a lie; thus, suppressing God even more.”
Tom is right! Instead of looking inward to myself for help in breaking free from the chains; I should be looking to Christ–who has the answer of truth and grace to set me free.
The first step to breaking free from my chains is to resolve my personal and spiritual conflict by genuinely repenting, and then totally submitting myself to God. I should follow the KISS example: Keep It Short & Simple. I need to stop with my self-serving tendencies, and stop hiding behind my mask. I tend to want to masquerade that I’m obedient even when I’m not dependent on His Spirit.
I am thankful that we are taught about the kingdom of God; but, we also need to understand the kingdom of darkness. Satan‘s wickedness lies in Heavenly places. That’s why there is a need for discernment…to be able to know that some things are just lies. Lies that chain us down. Our battle is not against flesh and blood; but, the forces of Satan’s darkness.
We must understand that the battle is for our minds. The battle is whether or not we will believe the lies or will become transformed…made new with Christ. We must understand that God does not lie! God is truth and grace. Satan does lie! He is wicked and full of darkness.
In the Bible, Paul wrote that he was free from bondage. He expressed that he had confidence that his freedom was real. In Corinthians he said that, “I will not be enslaved by anything.” Paul said this following up to those who had been sanctified (saved by His grace) and justified in Christ (because of His death), but were continuing to be held in bondage by their old idols.
Being a good disciple, like Paul, means being a good counselor as well. The two are intermingled. Discipleship counseling is where two or more people meet in the presence of God. Together, they learn how God’s truth and Word can help break them free from the chains of idolatry; thus, being able to conform to the image of God as one begins to learn to walk by faith.
The other day a particular song came to mind by Wilson Phillips. The song was “Hold On”, and some of the lyrics are as follows:
“I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don’t ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?…
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free, break from the chains…”
Tom said another thing that really stuck with me. He said, “We should be humble and faithful disciples of Christ. It’s a matter of the heart so that we are actively doing what God has called us to do.” He said, “Our performance vindicates our dependence on God.”
I realize that my support system does not always include Christ. I had, and have, not cast my anxiety and fears on Christ, and I am anything but dependent upon Him.
My chains have brought me nothing but darkness; but, in my darkness God has helped me to see His Light. I can’t, nor anybody else, set me free. Only Christ can set me. I can’t bind up my broken heart; but, God can. God is my “chain breaker”.
In order for me to break free, I must have a true knowledge that I am a child of God. Where am I going to learn that? From His Words in the Bible. If I really know God, then my behavior will change radically. My biggest deterrent mentally and spiritually is me not understanding His true freedom.
Tom mentioned about John Newton’s analogy… having a good “spectacle for the scripture”. I must delve into His words so that I can have a good relationship with Him. I must focus on Him. I need to begin to live more by faith and begin renewing my mind. Knowing God in terms of “heart matters” will be a sign of maturity; thus, it will help me become a step closer to the freedom in Christ without wearing chains.
Living and growing in Christ may mean I will encounter different and new chains to wear. But, I must remember that I have been made new. I have been called to do what He wants me to do, and that is not to be bound with the chains of fear from my past. Grace is not just about obedience; but learning to be dependent on His Spirit. This kind of obedience can only happen in and through His grace.
“For freedom Christ has set us free; ‘stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery’.”~ Galatians 5:1
This bondage breaking power that Paul talks about is available to me. I’m not really comfortable with the pain I cause for myself, or others. I am the one to blame most of the time. It’s time to make a change, and break free…break free from the chains.
Are You a Question? Be an Exclamation!
This past weekend I went to Waco, Texas to visit my oldest at Baylor University. We went to visit her church, Antioch. The Senior Leader, Jimmy Seibert, asked the congregation this crucial and “radical” question, “Do you go around wearing a question mark, or an exclamation?”
Pastor Seibert says too many of us go around wearing a question mark. He says we spend a lot of time wondering… “Who is God? Who am I? Where am I going?”
It’s true! I often wonder these things myself. I wonder who I am in relation to God. I wonder who or what does the relationship involve, where is the relationship going to take me, and how will I get what I want?
Guess what? God has a plan for me. Instead of worrying about being a broken person, and rather am I worthy of His grace, I need to focus on being transformed from the inside out.
In Psalms it says not to worry because at the end of the day…God is in control! When I doubt myself and I question God, then I am putting something or someone else before Him. I lack concentration. In essence, it’s like I become ADD in looking for Him. [No knock to ADD because I truly have it.]
So who is God?
I loved what Pastor Seibert said, “Who’s the final authority? Let it be Jesus…because in the end it will be Him anyway.”
The whole congregation laughed, but it’s true. HIS GRACE ALONE SAVED US!
“For by grace you have been saved…” ~ Ephesians 2:8
Like Saul/Paul, we are blind in our own chaos. Fear is not spoken from the Lord. We don’t suffer apart from God. He suffers with us! God wants us to see and understand that concept. He wants us to know that within our own broken lives we are a treasure. We are God’s treasure!
You see, God reveals within us our question mark that is so easy for us to wear and often worn; BUT, if we allow Him, He will change it into an exclamation…an exclamation for Him.
Who am I?
I am His beloved! I am adopted and loved by God! Yes, we all have family problems. Some of us have our fair share; but, when we are adopted by God we move from one family into another family. We move into the family of God.
Sometimes we act like we are not adopted; but, through Jesus we become “joint heirs” to the family of God. We have a great inheritance! Christ is the One who has vested great interest in us, and died for us so that we could live.
We are born again and made new in His image. We are no longer chained to the past…to our family mistakes. So stop walking around with a limp, and get into the real spirit. Start with walking from a place of victory—walking with Christ Jesus!
Where am I going?
I am free of my past. My past, heinous secrets were getting me nowhere; but, through Christ, I’m free! God brings about a conviction within me to confess my very sinful nature, and then be able to “move on” through the love of God. Satan brings about condemnation. There is no condemnation in Christ who strengthens me—just forgiveness!
Now, I seem to be moving at a snail’s pace; but, I’ve begun to inch forward since learning this revelation. His desire for me is to know Him and to glorify Him. I find it funny that he knows us more than we want to know Him. He does know the desires of our heart. He makes a point of this.
After beginning to understand some of these questions, I should live life with a new purpose. My purpose should be to know Him with all my heart and all my soul. My desire is to know and understand Him. Through His grace and love becomes the reality of my faith and hope; thus, learning I have received His grace despite my past. I know that I have not received grace on my terms; but, His. He loved me and showed me grace before I was born.
I should no longer wear a question mark. I am not my own; but I am free to glorify Him. He will lead me in the way I should go. I should follow Him with exclamation.
Don’t be a question mark; but, be an exclamation…an exclamation for Christ!
“…and thus I make it my ambition to preach the gospel, not where Christ has already been named, lest I build on someone else’s foundation, but as it is written, ‘Those who have never been told of him will see, and those who have never heard will understand.’ ” ~ Romans 15:20-1
Grace Should Arrive Within a Generous Community
Recently I began to think about what a generous community of believers should look like?
I thought that maybe their mission statement might say:
We, as a community of believers, feel that kindness and love should be shown toward others with special attention being given to mercy, truth, faith and hope. Because we all fall short, there will be times that members will need to be treated, and respected, with special attention. Grace will only arrive from within a generous community from which attention is given to the ‘needy”. Grace will also arrive when His characteristics flow abundantly within and begin to pour out from the community. No one should be left behind; thus, making a difference in others.
The RUF Pastor at my church, Mike Novak, said, “Community begins and ends with Jesus. Jesus was so passionate about community that He was willing to be severed from His community of believers so that He could be in community with us.”
Knowing that Christ was the most generous community member, we can begin to acknowledge that because He gave up His own life–we can now live abundantly through His grace which was made sufficient for us!
So why don’t we show grace and encourage each other within the community more often? Is there a limit to how much one should be encouraged? Should you only be generous because we are told in the Bible to be generous? Should generosity and servitude come out of the hearts who have been adopted by Him? It’s definitely something to ponder.
It’s time that communities get caught up with the freedom of the new testament covenant. Let Grace Arrive! Grace does not depend on whether or not one is adequate to show it, or be shown it; but to put someone else forward, or to lift them up. Being a servant of grace does not always mean thinking about self; but, really thinking about how to encourage someone else. Maybe rather than treating others like they are a part of the “projects”, lets make them feel as if they are part of the “community”.
Recently, as I was preparing for the worship service, and the “Order of Worship” had a quote from Tim Keller:
“Christians commonly say they want a relationship with Jesus; that they want to ‘get to know Jesus better.’ You will never be able to do it by yourself. You must be deeply involved in the church, in the Christian community, with strong relationships of love, and accountability. Only if you are part of a community of believers seeking to resemble, serve, and love Jesus will you ever get to know Him and grow into His likeness”
Pastor Mike said that a common bond, a common goal, and our Savior is the key to building great communities within the body of Christ.
The community of the church can be a great resource for helping build relationships. This common act of community allows for sharing, praying, and encouraging each other…essentially making a difference in each other’s lives. It not only can be a blessing to the one receiving; but, for the one giving. That’s the way the community should roll!
Maybe within our church communities a little more time could be spent on improving personal relationships…and not just with each other; but with God, Himself. Think about what’s more important…balancing His truth and grace in personal relationships to be more like Him, or deciding to build a personal relationship with yourself, and only for yourself. I know which one I prefer. I have a passion, and desire, to be more like Him with my growing faith and the help of accountability from my community
Because we don’t live in a perfect world, let’s step back and analyze some potential problems that may arise when commonality is not included in the community.
What if there were some believers in the community who had been sheltered, or may have not “experienced” certain situations? What if they were not accepting of another’s brokenness? For the one who is dealing with the pain of brokenness, they may feel as though they are being judged. They may feel abandoned, and not included. In most cases, the broken person desires to know that His grace is real, and merely wants to be accepted within the community despite their heinous secret—or past mistakes. Sometimes, not knowing what to do, the community may ignore the warning signs rather than aggressively seeking to help heal the believer that is needing the help; but, these are very rare instances.
Grace and truth is a “must have”, and is needed to be made known to all believers within the community, so that the healing of the brokenness may begin. Pastor Mike talked about how community is built around honesty and His grace. We all need His grace…all day, every day. “By loving others with discernment, we can achieve the ultimate loving community.”
Grace is not for the elite; but for everyone!
I feel that we often need help from others to make sense of what is going on within our inner-selves, and to help us break out of patterns of sin and brokenness…to be held in some type of accountability. Such freedom to discuss our inner-selves with another person creates a bond whose acceptance is not based on performance but on unconditional love.
Having an actual community that will share (or is able to share) their experience(s) of how they believe and experience the hope and love of God’s grace is what is needed for a “close” community. Belonging to a group that understands one’s particular needs, lifting each other up in prayer, and holding each other accountable, is vital to making a difference in each other’s lives…becoming more like the image of Christ.
I desire to bond together with a community of believers, and to have an intimate relationship with Him. God intends for us to live a life that is authentic, and that life includes Him. Pastor Mike also said that community is designed around the Gospel.
FYI: Brandon Eggar (another pastor), once told me that, “The Gospel are God’s words that are God breathed.” I loved that analogy! I envision His words coming to life, and me feeling alive.
Going back to topic…did God design us to want to be with others in a community? I say, “Yes, He did! I, personally, have an inner longing, in my heart, to want to belong to such a group. Pastor Mike also emphasized this same feeling in his sermon the other day.
The Bible says that people are of great significance because of being made in the image of God—which is for His glory. We have become adopted into God’s family. We must learn that it is not what we’ve done to deserve to be a part of His family; but, what He did for us. Christ’s death is the reason for our acceptance–by God, and through God. He promises to never abandon us, or let us go!
In searching for our true identities within a community, we want to know if we are of equal value as any other human within the group. Despite our weaknesses, or brokenness, we all desire and need to understand that we are valued as a person. Sometimes we don’t value ourselves; but if some value is felt by others…we may become strong enough to help build meaningful relationships with others…helping each other…and all for God’s glory.
We are all unique, and each one brings a different gift to the table. In fact, we all probably want to be a blessing to the community, and have different gifts to offer. Therefore, by sharing our gifts and working together, we can become His body, or community, that represents the very image of God.
Pastor Mike says community is like a team sport. No one should be left behind. He said, “What one does could affect the fruits of others. In essence, the community becomes as strong as there weakest link. Helping others should be the focus of the community.”
For people like me, because of the “hidden secrets” within our community, I may think that others do not have problems, and that they have it “all together”. I found that often times the ones that are struggling–try to become more hidden, or withdraw, from the community because they also fear that their secrets may be “found out”.
There is truth to making individuals feel safe in a community…through restoration. Sometimes sharing our “secrets” can be a little scary. But, being safe doesn’t always have to mean to feel safe to fail; it can also mean to feel safe to succeed. I think most of us want to be encouraged. The Biblical truth is that it should be okay to feel safe within a community to succeed or fail. The important thing is to focus on Him, and to remember who is the judge.
Brokenness doesn’t always have to mean weakness either; but, being able to show strength in our weakness by God’s cleansing power, and to know His truth. That’s where encouragement from the community can be such a blessing. That’s where the healing can begin. Knowing that the only thing that can wash my sins away is the cleansing blood of The Lamb.
It’s also important to learn the process of helping each other by praying for one another. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” ~Matthew 18:20
As I close, I am reminded of the three common designs that Pastor Mike said were needed to build a great community: a common bond, a common goal, and our Savior. Without the design and foundation of these building blocks, the structure of the community has the potential to be demolished. Keep in mind though that renovations can always take place.
Let us encourage one another, be balanced in His truth and grace, and the building of believers will be strong and stand strong…because His love endures forever! If we share our gifts with other believers, then grace should arrive within our generous community. None will be needy, nor left behind, and it will thrive!
“The community of believers was of one heart and one mind, and no one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they had everything in common.” ~ Acts 4:32
Teach Me to Walk
My oldest daughter, Erica Hairston, is expanding her very own spiritual journey with our Heavenly Father. It has been a blessing to watch her mature and grow spiritually, and all aspects of her life as well. I often stand in awe of her. She has a beautiful spirit about her, and tries to be a friend to all…especially to those in need. She is a people magnet! Erica’s gift from God attracts people to her…in which she is better able to share the Good News.
My other children, Jess and John, are just beginning their own journey making a difference in their own way to further His kingdom. I’m so very proud of them all; each with their own unique God-given talents that they share with others on a daily basis…especially with me. What a blessing to be called “Momma“.
I’m actually going to focus on Erica for this blog because of a recent event.
Here is a brief synopsis of Erica. From an early age she has thrived on “being in the thick of things”. She has a lot of energy, and knows how to harness it and channel it to work for herself, and others, and in a good way. Erica has been in sports most of her life, and has proven to be a great leader on the softball field and mission field. She earned the title of best athlete at her middle school, and earned first team all district honors in softball for her high school team a couple of years. Erica has made lots of friends, loves life, and truly cares for people.
Yes, she has faults. I know I painted her better than Mary Poppins; but, she does have special God-given talents. Plus, we already know that we are all sinners and fall short.
Erica has a mission, and it’s to further His Kingdom. She puts her on twist on the way she furthers His kingdom with a flair that only Erica can do.
This past year, Erica attended Baylor University. She has made a network of amazing Christian friends, and it has literally pumped her up for Jesus! They are a well oiled “tight knit” group ready to fight in God’s army.
Recently, in one of Erica’s quiet time, God revealed to her some of her strengths and weaknesses. She told me that God had revealed to her–that He was going to teach her how to walk. He was going to teach her His way, and it would be better than she has ever walked before. They would start over and take it from the beginning. Even though her spiritual walk is strong; He was going to make her walk stronger than it has ever been before, and all for His glory.
I work at a summer camp now, and it’s very hard to get a hold of me. My cell doesn’t have service unless I stand on top of the zip-line on one foot. Ok, that is a little exaggeration…but not much.
Erica finally got a hold of me to tell me what God had revealed to her; then, she casually added that something unexpected happened a couple of days later.
I thought, “I wonder what unexpected event?”
I knew she had gone to Minnesota to spend some time with one of her future roommate; and then she said, “By the way, I got to go jet skiing and tubing for the first time.”
I thought, “Awesome!”
Erica also told me that she went water skiing, and that the skis were too loose, and she had trouble getting up; therefore, she tightened the skis. The problem was the next time she was getting pulled out of the water (because she is strong) she was pushing harder with one leg, and the ski was under water slightly. This is not a good thing while trying to ski on top of water.
I’m thinking this is all really cool!
Then, her next words were words that would pain any parent’s heart, and my very soul writhed with pain for her. Erica had an accident. The iliofemoral ligament (the strongest ligament in the body, had detached from her hip, and will be having surgery on Tuesday.
BTW…prayers would be good now. Prayers for the doctor and healing would be great; especially since she is a Packer fan and a Cowboy’s doctor will be performing the surgery. She may have to change her allegiance after the surgery; but, she should see how it turns out first-hahahaha!
My eyes began tearing up as she told me what had happened. I was trying not let her hear the pain in my voice; but, I’m not the best at hiding my emotions.
I immediately asked if she had a life jacket on, and she said, “Yes, she did”. I was somewhat relieved. I was happy that she had thought of safety first, and that it helped her to keep a float while writhing in pain waiting in the cold water.
Erica went on to tell me of the events that followed, and she felt certain that she would have drowned (because of the severity of the pain) if not for the life jacket she was wearing, and the other “Life Jacket” that covered her with strength and comfort.
A boat drove by and said they would call the sheriff to get help. Those blessed people also drove around the lake to help clear it so that the waves would not continue to make her move so much…and cause her pain.
Her future roommate, Elizabeth Papetti, and another girl, Kristen Pool, dove out of the boat into the water, and each of the girls got on Erica’s side to help support her until emergency service arrived. I am thankful to God for all of their support to help their friend…their sister in Christ.
She told me about the air life that came; but, that an ambulance was actually able to get to where they were. Erica said that placing her on the backboard was an excruciating pain that she will never forget.
My heart was hurting so bad! A parent never wants their child to suffer such pain. I wanted to be able to take it away, and there is nothing I can do. Then I realized I can pray, and that’s one of the best things I could do for her.
All of the sudden Erica’s voice, despite being a little pain stricken, became more upbeat. She said, “Momma. I got to talk to the people in the ambulance about Jesus.”
My whole body became engulfed with a beautiful warm, spirit filled feeling.
Then Erica said, “Momma. I’m going to have to learn to walk again.”
The realization of her accident came rushing over me again. I felt sick to my stomach.
Then Erica said, “Don’t worry, Momma. I have faith. Plus remember, I told you what God had revealed to me that He was going to teach me how to walk.”
Ok…now, I really need a tissue. This beautiful, sweet child of mine finds the beauty in her own pain. What a testimony! It’s true! He is going to teach her how to walk in His truth and way. How awesome is that?
Erica has made it back to Texas, and has a great support group of friends with her. As a mom, it’s so hard not to want to know how everything is going. How I wish I could take her pain away, and be with her.
Erica reassured me she was in the great hands with her friends, and of the best hands in the Father of the Heavens and Earth. I have no control in th situation. Not controlling the situation is a big leap of faith for me. Since my mini-stroke in May, I have had to learn to let some things go, and not worry so much. It’s definitely a test of faith for me, and being able to put my trust in Him…despite my weaknesses.
I truly can’t do much for her while I’m at camp, or any place for that matter; but, I can definitely pray.
I listen to K-LOVE Christian radio quite often. Their link is also on this web page. As I got off of the phone with Erica, I was reminded of a Jeremy Camp song that I really like. It’s called, “Walk by Faith”, and a part of the song is below.
“Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You’ve been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do.”
Those words are so true!
As my pastor, Tom Gibbs, has told me many times…even if I can’t see and I may be in a season of brokenness, God will teach me to do His will.
God will help me with my many fears that follow me from my past to present shame and guilt of abuse. I must not listen to the lies. I am His beloved. He has made me new. And the most important thing…His grace covers all I do…just like Jeremy’s song says.
If one looks closely…one can always find beauty from within their pain, or brokenness.
Tom has also told me, “You have to draw near, be patient, and listen to what God is trying to tell you.”
I suppose if I can continue to do those things then beauty will be able to spring forth from the pain that has built up over the years.
My new prayer for myself is for the Lord to teach me to walk…walk in His way of truth, and not my way of lies. Praise His glorious name!
“Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. For great is your steadfast love toward me;…” ~Psalm 86:11-13a
I MUST NOT BELIEVE THE LIES!
I have been recuperating from some unexpected surgery while visiting another country. I haven’t really been up to thinking much…just sleeping. But during one of my waking moments, I began to reminiscence about J.K. Rowling‘s Harry Potter series that I have read over the last few years. Though fictional, the Harry Potter series has touched me in many different ways. I enjoyed going to see the last movie with my family. I chuckled when my oldest growing up with the Harry Potter series said that her childhood was officially over…I chuckled because I thought the same thing about myself…hahahahaha!
Thinking, it occurred to me about how verbal abuse can overwhelm my mind with lies.
I began thinking about how Voldemort and Harry shared many series of thoughts; very little were good, and most were bad. I thought about how Voldemort desperately wanted Harry to think that he was evil and responsible for much of other’s pain. Voldemort tried to fill Harry’s mind with horrible thoughts and lies. Some of those lies took control of Harry’s mind… at times filling him with great despair.
Then I remembered how Dumbledore asked Snape to train Harry in the magical art of “occlumency”. This was an effort to keep Harry’s mind from being penetrated and influenced by the dark lord (our Satan).
Although occlumency is fictional in the series, it has some useful parallel points to the way I should change my way of thinking.
“Occlumency is the act of magically closing one’s mind against Legilimency. Legilimency is the act of magically navigating through a person’s mind and ‘twisting’ one’s findings to make them feel shameful.”
~ Severus Snape said to Harry Potter (on the difficulty of learning Occlumency): “I told you to empty yourself of emotion! … Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked this easily — weak people, in other words — they stand no chance against his [satan] powers! He will penetrate your mind with absurd ease, Potter!“
Now with the above vision in my mind, and since I have seen the movies and read the books, I can begin to understand how verbal abuse has the potential to harm me. I know that many times I think I can deal with these sorts of intrusions on my mind and emotions. I think to myself…I’m older. I’m not a kid. I know the difference between truths and lies; BUT…unfortunately, I don’t believe I truly have the power to deal with such abuse alone.
The reason why I know I can’t do this alone is, like Harry, I depend on “love” to carry me. The problem is the love I expect to carry me is my own or sometimes “false” love from others, rather than His abounding love. My kind of love is not what will “fix” the situation. Only His love that is able to fully cover me–will be the kind of love that will be able to truly carry me.
Because I’ve been verbally abused in the past, and hurtful untruths have been told to me, I have often believed what had been said to me…or the person I should become. I absorbed the lies! They seemed to be have said in a most forceful way, and they were retained in my memory…as if they settled deep within my mind…crossing over many layers of my memories. The lies eventually overwhelm my truthful memories and have left me with a memory of guilt and shame that has filled me with the feeling of being a disgrace.
This is an example of how I have let verbal abuse damage my soul.
So what happens if my memories are filled with lies; with vicious destructive untruths that demeans me? Sometimes I think…I know that these lies are not true; but, other times I obsess over the lies and begin to believe them. The lies literally make me sick!
I love what my counselor, Clifton Fuller says, “If someone says your stupid…your IQ does not go down; unfortunately, if they say you are smart…your IQ does not go up either”.
Indeed I know many things spoken to me are lies. Even knowing some are lies, they still bother me. My memory, in context to the way I think, provides me with the only perspective I have of myself and how I deal with the outside world. I also tend to connect those lies to my spirit within.
When I think about myself, my thought processes automatically refers to my memory. My memory may become filled with the concept that I am a guilty, shameful person who is a disgrace to others…no matter how untrue it may be. It won’t matter–because that is what is left behind in the layers of my mind. My thoughts have become distorted, and my conclusions about myself reflect the negative, ugly lies embedded in my mind. No matter how much I try to deny the lies, they become a part of how I see and think about myself. My thoughts are no longer realistic.
There becomes a point where it’s almost impossible for me to think about myself without bringing the lies within my memory to the surface. In essence, I believe that I am those things. I tend to act upon those lies; which may bring some of them true…which makes the damage even worse…which causes a vicious cycle!
I feel my spirit has become violated. My spirit (or feeling of strong emotion) stems from within. I want to be good, and deserving of His grace. It is a feeling of fulfillment, and my life calling to be worthy of His grace. When my spirit finds itself immersed in a negative view of myself; then, I become that guilty shameful person full of disgrace.
The lies are like darts penetrating my thin skin taking root deep in my soul. The roots take form as depression. I literally let the verbal abuse make me sick!
Yes, I’m a sinner. I deserve to be corrected, and I must be taught that I can’t control everything…especially the way I think I should control things. I should not be so co-dependent on others; but, I do think that there are a few that could be confidants. The problem is that I need to be able to discern what others say…to be able to learn and to discern between the lies and truths.
There have been a few that have tried to convince me that I’m a disgrace…that I’m not worthy of His grace. There have also been those that have tried to convince me not to believe the lies I have been told so many times over the years.
The One who has consistently been by my side…is the One I should listen to always. Jesus is for the brokenhearted, and He would never feed me lies. Jesus, Himself, knows how lies can hurt. In fact, my lies pinned Him on the cross.
Despite who I am, or who I may want to become…I must not believe the lies! My counselor has really helped me to envision myself putting on the full armor of God.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;” ~Ephesians 6:10-16
Harry was successful at extinguishing the flaming darts of the evil one. I, with Jesus‘ help, can also extinguish the flaming darts. I definitely need lots of practice, and to stay focused. Thank goodness for His words that tell me how to equip myself for battle.
Praise Him for His love and mercy!
“I Can’t Carry It! But, I Can Carry You!”
Toward the end of Tolkien’s book “The Return of the King“, Frodo says,
“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.”
Because of my past sexual abuse, I have a few things from my past that the hurts go rather deep. I’ve thought…could they ever really mend?
My pastor, Tom Gibbs, once told me that, “By giving into the fear of darkness, it will only compound the pain and evil of what has already happened. By you keeping things hidden it will gain power over you. Remember, that God is Light and there is no darkness in Him.”
The hope in my brokenness is through the Light of Jesus; because through His Light all darkness shall go away.
My pastor also told me that I had been standing–waiting in the dark.
I have ignored the Light for many years. While I had been waiting in the dark, I remembered that there was a light that had been behind the “door of my heart”. I had been longing and hoping for the Light of Jesus to be shed on me.
Come to find out–Jesus’ Light had been there the whole time. I just needed to turn around, truly see Him, and let Him into the dark places of my heart.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” ~Psalm 34:18
Looking back, I suppose Jesus allowed the memories of my past abuse to resurface because it needed to be dealt with. Maybe the Lord was reopening these wounds, so that I could truly forgive my self, and others.
For years I felt intense anger, and had tried to ignore my emotions. I was angry at my stepfather for the sexual abuse he had committed. I was angry about the memories that I had been left to deal with. I also felt guilty about being angry.
After studying Psalms, and learning about God’s emotions, I began to learn about my own emotions. It helped to see some examples of how God felt about certain things; therefore, I was better able to understand, and was able to let some anger go as well.
It has been a slow process; but, I have made some progress.
I’m not going to lie, opening wounds, is a lot of my own fault! No one makes me hold onto the past. The last few years I have been searching as to why I have harbored so much pain deep within. I don’t want to pick at my wounds keeping them fresh; but, sometimes I find myself doing just that. While keeping them open, it has caused pain for myself, and others. It’s a vicious cycle that had potential to consume me.
In my desperation to find out answers of why others could not understand me…I began hurting them. I hurt the very ones I cared about. I might verbally be abusive, and this only compounded the feelings of guilt that I already felt. I began to feel that I was not worthy. I felt that I was a mistake, or a disgrace, to all that were around me. Once again the cycle was in place and continuing to gain force.
Sometimes, I couldn’t stand myself for what I had done; thus, on occasion I hurt myself. I felt that if I hurt myself–there would be some restitution for hurting others verbally. However, most did not know that I had sought restitution…within myself.
I began isolating myself. I thought that isolating my self from others–would “save” them from me. In my mind this is how I thought I should “handle” this type of situation. But, in isolating my self, it caused much pain of feeling abandoned…even if I was the cause of my own abandonment.
I have a friend Joey who recently told me that, “the one who abuses is usually the one holding onto their own personal wounds. They never really heal because they keep picking at the scabs, re-opening the hurts of the past and keeping them fresh. Then they lash out at whoever is closest to them, because the ones that originally caused the hurt are usually long gone. The wounding then becomes transferred to another victim. It becomes a vicious cycle unless the abused can short-circuit the circle of pain; thus, the need for a professional counselor to help me. His name is Jesus and I thank Him every day!”
These were some words to mull over. These were strong words of wisdom.
I began to continue picking at my wounds–keeping them fresh and open. I felt few seemed to understand me. I felt others didn’t believe that there was great suffering in my past. I felt I had to defend myself to others so they could understand. I felt since they had not experienced that kind of abuse…that they may feel how that could have happened. I also felt worse when some didn’t want to understand my past at all…to be discarded. I felt they were extremely insensitive. I let these feelings cause great confusion within me.
Now, pondering what my friend said…I realized that Jesus is the best counselor. My pastor and I had also talked about how the Lord had given me His Holy Spirit–to be my counselor/comforter. He had been with me always, even when others were absent. He walks with me right now!
I definitely need to hold onto this truth, even when my way seems very dark. I know that there will be brighter days!
Knowing this I began to feel safe enough to take steps forward toward healing, and understanding Him. I have learned that I could trust, and not all would judge me—no matter my mistakes. I was beginning to understand that I was not a misfit.
I tend to see things in night or day. I am a perfectionist about some things and lack concern about other things. My pastor told me that Jesus was less interested in me being perfect than in me knowing His mercy and grace. The very mercy and grace that covers all of my mistakes.
Through great wisdom of many, I have begun to replace my thoughts of guilt with thoughts of His joy, truth, and grace.
Finally I am beginning to feel that I am loved, valued, and treasured.
I know there have been many prayers for me, some like “Lord, keep Beth from lying to her self. Pray that she will begin to see Your truth—Your Light. Prayers like, “May You be a beacon of Light for her in dark places, when all her other lights go out.”
Right before Jesus died on the cross he said, “Into Your hands, Father, I commit my spirit”.
I need to commit my spirit to Him. I should no longer be powerless or broken from my past guilt. Through Jesus, I have the same power to resurrect myself from my pit of darkness, brokenness, and despair. I should no longer feel guilt over my past.
Physically, on Earth, God could not carry my guilt; but, He told me to release it, let Him carry me, and finally be rid of it.
One of my favorite parts from “The Return of the King”, is when Samwise and Frodo are at the bottom of Mt. Doom. Samwise begins talking to Frodo about the ring and says, “I can’t carry it for you! But I can carry you! Come on!”
The ring had caused open wounds around Frodo’s neck because of the weight of the ring. Frodo needed to get rid of the ring; therefore, Samwise carries Frodo up Mt. Doom. Eventually, Frodo was able to throw the ring into the fires…where it was destroyed.
God is telling me that He will carry me. God would not have brought me to the abuse, and then back to the memories of it, or healing of it, if He could not bring me through it. His eyes are fixed on me. Like the “refiner’s fire”, God begins to purify me of my past guilt, so that I can be made new in His Light.
Praise Him for His great strength, and Light!
Prayer of healing for abuse
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We have all lived through things that we never thought we were capable of.
We will have the strength to carry on…with the Son, and through the Son.
Grace Desired
Grace Desired 