Hidden Shame
Sometimes I had put up walls and hid–not to keep people out; but, to see who cared enough to break them down.
“Shame is a feeling deep within our being that makes us want to hide.”
I had hidden shame. It was such shame that stemmed from the feeling of being exposed (in my case I was exposed), being made visible, and examined by another who was rather critical of me. Because of this feeling, I wanted to be invisible.
Experiencing this type of shame, my eyes began to turn inward–becoming an enormous self-judging problem. I saw myself as a failure. I felt as if I was a mistake, which made many mistakes.
As a child, I tried hard not to make mistakes. I felt I needed to meet the expectations of others, or what I thought others wanted. I feared that others would reject me if I did not meet their expectations.
I equated some of my feelings of shame to the abandonment and isolation that I experienced from those important to me. I apparently took this to be that I was not valued enough–to be taken care of.
As a child I was dependent on others. Being valued was important to me. When that support was missing, I am sure I began to unconsciously think I was unworthy–disconnecting within my world more and more.
At times my shame felt proportionate with the situation. Sometimes, I was able to laugh off the small instances, and move on; other times, I just wanted to hide. There are times I still just want hide. It’s like when I hid behind my hands. It gave me a sense of not being exposed.
Sometimes in my sense of hiding, or going away, is where the thought of suicide came into play. I began to self-devalue myself, and self-hate. Why not? Others have thought that about me…or so “I thought”.
The anxiety that I experienced as a child was often due to the fear of punishment. My thoughts would be when would my step father come again? What have I done to deserve this? Will I ever be good enough to warrant praise? I thought I must be very bad to be so punished. I would often feel guilty for upsetting him enough to do such things. I would associate feelings of guilt with being punished. Even today, I may apologize for something that I did not do (although I do lots of things that need apologizing for).
I felt completely alone as a child. I was alone. I was the only child. Within the solitude of isolation is where I began to think I was unlovable and even invisible—that I was a big mistake.
In essence, I began to lose myself within my self. I tended to “magnify” how I thought others were viewing me. I may had the feeling of disgust for not living up to other’s expectations. I wanted to be needed, be perfect, and to be loved and accepted by others. When my expectations were eluded, or thought to not be met, I felt isolated…even when it is my own self doing. I still do this at times.
I know that some of the unresolved, unspoken, and repetitive shame I experienced as a child has caused pain throughout my whole life. My shame has been rooted into my heart in a negative way. I let those negative messages fester over the years. It became a part of my everyday life. I had become what I thought I was—a mistake. I was lost in the darkness, not attempting to see any light.
Over the last couple of years I have begun to let the Lord use my shame to make positive changes in my life. Jesus began to open the door to my heart. This was the door that I have kept closed for most of my life. He has slowly opened that door allowing me to look back at the shame of the sexual abuse that I endured.
I have leaned heavily on that door–keeping it shut for many, many years. It is not that I had forgotten about what happened, but I chose to place it in a part of my heart that I did not want to see, or open. It was nice and dark over in that corner—trying to be invisible. I did not want to look; but, Jesus has taken my hand, and He has begun to slowly open that door.
Once He opened the door the memories of abuse came flooding back. I could see the various acts that had happened to me as a child, and I was scared.
While standing at the door I have noticed that there was a light behind me, but not really thinking much about it.
What was Jesus trying to show me about my past?
All of a sudden, I thought about how I felt when I was pinned down by my stepfather. How I felt completely powerless, naked, and exposed! I was angry!
Then Jesus pointed out to me how His naked, exposed body had been nailed to the cross, and He, too, was completely powerless.
And uh yes…what’s your point? I am thinking about me, Lord, not you.
Then I began to think about those who were near me, and did not take up for me. The time the “friend” was in the chicken shack while her uncle did the unthinkable. How there was no investigation about how I got all those bruises? Why didn’t the doctor pursue what he had original thought—that I might be pregnant? There was no investigation. Others sat back and did nothing!
Then Jesus pointed out to me that He, too, had friends and family who stood by and did nothing to help.
I had never thought about it in this way. Yes, I know the story, but had I never really thought about how abandoned Jesus must of felt. I was only thinking of “me” and how I felt.
It is true! Jesus, the King of Kings, was nailed on the cross, and not one person tried to help Him while He suffered. And who did He suffer on the cross for? He suffered for all those who were watching in the crowd.
In essence, I was in the crowd. I was the one who shamed Christ. I pinned him down with my sins. I was the one who caused His suffering and the exposing of His naked body. Jesus took my shame. He did it all for me.
Jesus could have saved Himself, but He made the greatest sacrifice so I could live. Jesus despised the shame so much that He endured the cross taking on all of my hidden shame and guilt that I pinned Him down with and gave me grace. The grace that I had so desired is now the grace that I have received. Thank you for His love and grace that has given me hope to stop hiding my shame!
“…who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame,…” ~ Hebrews 12:2
Strength to Carry On
I have been thinking, and trying to pinpoint, on how to express myself on the particular topic of strength. Some kinds of strength are good. After all, it is a reflection of God Himself, and He said this is a good thing. But, I think some strength, if misused, can be hurtful. It does not have to necessarily have to be physical strength (like tackling someone to the ground); it can be as little as a look of disapproval.
Certain strengths have the potential to become an intimidating misuse of power over another person. I think it is important to know, that if gone unnoticed, strength could get out of hand and end up hurting others (like a form of bullying). My disclaimer is that I have taken part, and we probably all have taken part in a misuse of power some time or another. I myself can be rather dominating and/or manipulating. It is a control thing. It’s the power within me thinking that I can fix things on my own…instead of truly turning things over to God. I have finally realized that can become a misuse of power that I frequent.
I think that it is God’s desire for us to use our positive strength to lead our families; like the Sanctus Real song says, “To stand up for them when they can’t”. To be a wall…a somewhat pillar of strength. God’s own characteristics include strength & tenderness; respect & forgiveness through His grace & mercy. Only God can be the true judge of our life.
If we are truly made in God’s image, then we must have a desire to gain those characteristics—to be strong and loving.
There is nothing wrong with being physically strong, if one acts in an appropriate manner. I guess I am trying to say that maybe a better strength to “workout” for–would be the strength that comes from the heart. Reading the Bible, worshiping, taking part in a community are all great ways to strengthen your heart.
Strength looks different for different people. It could be a silent strength, verbal strength, strong- heroic type strength, being protective and gentle for the abused, or even having the strength to be humble.
In Genesis, we find out that Eve was very manipulative. Granted, she probably could not have wrestled Adam into eating the apple; instead, she used her verbal strength and tempted him in this way. Although, Adam had been informed of this particular tree prior to Eve being created; he chose to remain silent, or passive. Adam could have spoken up and said something to warn Eve about not eating from this tree. Eve obviously did not understand the importance of not eating the apple from the tree. She insisted, to Adam, that the serpent was telling the truth…so they ate from the tree, and we know the rest of the story.
Eve using her verbal strength to tempt Adam led to his passiveness…which led to other problems; for instance, violence followed once they began procreating. This violence started between brothers and definitely became a misuse of power and strength. I believe many have seen this kind of power misused at some point in their life. This type of strength does not discriminate!
I also believe that we have the capability to misuse our own strength of power at times. We are all sinners! An extreme misuse of this strong power can be destructive for all involved.
So why do people misuse their power?
Maybe their “good” strength was ignored, or shamed, by someone. Maybe their insecurities lead to their downfall. Maybe wanting the other person to change encouraged manipulation of others…which is a misuse of power.
I am guilty of this sin. My idol of controlling outcomes of others is one of my gross misuses of power.
God was proud of Jesus. He claimed Him as His son, and said He loved Him. Affirmation is really important! Although men and women like different kinds of affirmation, that does not mean to ignore each other because of the differences. We all feel that we don’t measure up. We are all insecure at one time or another—made vulnerable. For some, the vulnerability might come from past abuse; belittling could be happening presently. Finally, some are scared of what the future has in store for them. Will I be made fun of because of my lack of _?_ (fill in your own blank).
Abuse is a type of strength that is blatantly misused. It comes in many forms. It could be words spoken, or not. It could mean being aggressive physically, or passive emotionally (not being protected). It could be getting fired for something that one did not do—maybe simply because you’re too old. It can also come as sexual abuse. This type of abuse can have many levels of abuse: from harsh words spoken to the extreme of being beaten, or even worse things that I don’t really care to mention.
Sometimes rather than being a strong leader, we give in to our fears and insecurities. Sometimes, we are just plain jealous of other’s strengths. I know this all too well. Sometimes, I am more concerned about what people think of me, rather than worrying about how I am alienating God. I also get caught up in wanting something that I really don’t need and may want to coerce someone out of it…or want them to give it to me. It doesn’t have to be a material object; it could be as much as wanting protection, love, and respect.
When a person lashes out physically, or verbally, they feel as if they have some kind of strength (or power); but, in essence, it is not genuine strength. It is hurtful, and it might be considered bullying. Again, this could stem from their own insecurity or weakness.
This is not always true; but, some may have a deep rooted insecurity that they may not even be aware of within themselves. I will say nothing really justifies bullying, or being manipulative of others. It is very hurtful to those that are on the receiving side.
Loving accountability must take place to help achieve the goal of healing from misused strength. This can be done through community; such as with a church, some peers, or a strong group of friends. Loving accountability must also take place to help one not to misuse their “weak” strength. Both types of accountability need love and encouragement.
I will say that pointing out the misuse of power of another will usually not help. Often times, it will make things worse. Learning to love boldly would be most helpful in this situation. Dan Allender uses an example of telling a story/example so that another may see their misuse in character. It’s like a mirror; thus, one could see the reflection of their action. This may allow them to see how they are truly behaving.
The act of “loving boldly” does not always work. One may have a change of the symptom, but not of the heart. To love someone boldly takes some practice. For one thing, the mirror would have to be turned one self first before reflecting the mirror on the other person.
Good strength, or power, can lead to good things. Just look what Christ did for us so that we could live. It took great strength, courage, and forgiveness to be able to do what He did. I could never really fathom what He did at all. It was the greatest heroic act that has ever taken place.
Knowing that there is freedom in Christ, the heart will need to go under a complete restoration. One might begin with being less self-centered. I struggle with this quite often as well with many other idols. I may think that it is all about me. How I am feeling? I may not always take into consideration how the other person may be feeling, or what pain I may be causing to them.
One thing that needs to take place for restoration to occur may be admitting that a change needs to take place…especially in one’s heart. If you can’t admit your weaknesses, it will be almost impossible for restoration to take place. Blaming others will not make a change in the heart.
Now some may say that the other is too sensitive. Of course there may be times when one can be too sensitive. If others continually make others feel that they are too sensitive; then, it’s possible that the weakness of the one pointing out may hurt others.
Now a misuse of power can take place within one self. One can blame them self or have a self loathing of self due to guilt and shame. All of this can lead up to the misuse of power within one self, and will usually get worse.
There will be times that one may tell their self that another person may be the problem, and that the other person needs to get the help. This could be an excuse which seems to cover the true problem…maybe the problem is within them. Literally, the misuse of power can’t be seen by the person abusing it.
Surrendering and/or confessing your misused strength to Christ is essential. It is important to acknowledge what you have done to hurt others, and it is important to ask God for forgiveness; but, it must be sincere.
When talking with another be genuine, and give many details. This allows the other person to know that one is truly sorry. Being humble is good when it’s sincere.
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (Luke).
Let God love and forgive those that misused strength. His grace and mercy should be all consuming. One must accept the fact that God can use a restored heart to further His Kingdom, despite one’s weaknesses–past or present or even future.
Again, responsibility and accountability should take place. This is one of the first steps to restoration of misused strength. It is not just enough to say sorry; but, to truly understand why. To tell the other that one is sorry, and act upon it, is a great strength. Those that take responsibility will take their consequence and learn from it to become a restored person.
Now understand that restoration may not always occur; but, when one realizes their sinful nature, the process can begin to take place. One must learn to put off “your old self” so that one can “put on the new self. To know that we are created to be like God”. (Ephesians)
God wants to bring true healing; but, it can’t happen without humility. If one continues down the wrong path they might become self-destructive, or may be the root of someone else becoming self-destructive. Being humble does not mean to let others run all over them; but, to just stop misusing the strength that God has given.
One must become totally broken and surrender to Him. God is for the brokenhearted and He will make the heart new. We are sufficient in His grace, and He finds strengths in our weaknesses; thus, we will be given strength to carry on. The kind of strength to carry on restoration due to grace, love, and humility.
“…but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
We will have the strength to carry on…with the Son, and through the Son. Power will be given to the weak, and make us strong!
A Beautiful Kind of Broken
Over the years, I tried to mend my wounded heart by myself; unfortunately, I did not seek help in the most appropriate way. I have
learned that I can’t be, nor anyone else can be my savior; thus, often resulting in feeling rejected which created a low self-esteem…leading to despair…because in my mind, I could not be fixed or saved. Therefore, I must come to the conclusion (on my own & my own time) that no one can “fix” me; except, for Jesus.
My Pastor, Tom Gibbs, once told me that I must learn to let Jesus love me, and I must love Him in return. If I don’t do this…it will be impossible for Him to pull my weeds and replace them with flowers. I have really come far despite my abuse and lack of knowing a lot about the Good News; but, I can cultivate a bigger garden if I let Him help me, and others are willing to continue to mentor me.
I will say that learning to relate to God as a new creation is a difficult concept for me. I want to attempt to hide my very being from Him. I am ashamed of my past. I feel guilty. I don’t feel safe. The safety issue brings several things to my mind…how could He let all this abuse happen (past and present)? What kind of sick dad sends His only Son to be killed? That is no way to protect, or make someone feel safe. Because of my past…these thoughts have crept up in the back of my mind. How can I feel safe knowing that He will take care of me…when these things have happened?
The Biblical truth is that I can feel safe with Him. I am safe to succeed or fail. I also understood that there is truth to making individuals feel safe in church, or community. Through communities the restoration for my brokenness can take place. For people like me, I may think that others do not have problems that they have it all together because of the hiddenness within our community. Often times the ones that are struggling–try to become more hidden, or withdraw, from the community because of fear that their secrets might be “found out”. I finally understand that. First, I was told to tell my secrets, and now…don’t tell them except to one who claims he can’t help. So what is the point? I am so confused! Telling my secrets only brought more pain with no outlet to deal with them.
Unfortunately, telling past secrets doesn’t get rid of the pain …it actually just opens the door (which is not understood by most) to help begin the process of healing. When left undone, it causes much more pain and anxiety. So what’s wrong with learning the process of helping others? That is what I want to learn how to do, so that I can use this brokenness as a gift to help others. Unfortunately, I have been discarded as “too needy” and not worthwhile to nurture to bring out such a gift.
There are lots of beautiful broken Christians that are at battle with a real war inside of them. I know that I did not originally want to reveal my past with a select few for fear of rejection, and not feeling safe enough to be forgiven when my sins of my past were exposed. I almost felt that because I screwed up with trusting some that the lesson I learned is not to confess my sinful past, or abuse, because now I no longer feel safe. I keep telling myself that it would have been best to have kept things hidden; although, hiding would not have changed any of the abuse, then or now.
I feel this safety issue is a very sensitive topic. Is there a question that some may take advantage of this thing called grace? Should one be walked through the healing process of confessing, being forgiven, and eventually being restored? Could there be a difference between immaturity (lack of understanding Him) and someone’s sinful nature of worshiping idols? Or is it a combination? Should they be forgiven or just discounted as a failure to abide by certain rules or time frames?
Being safe doesn’t always mean to feel safe to fail. It can also mean to feel safe to succeed. I want to be encouraged to be the Bride of Christ, to be His Beloved, to be that Oak of Righteousness like I have heard in some sermons. There is a difference between righteousness and holiness. If I understand correctly, we become righteous when we accept Jesus into our heart as our Savior because of His death on the cross. Grace enables us to pursue holiness, once we are made righteous, by seeking His Godly character & applying it to our lives.
I must tell you that most individuals who have been abused have a hard time trusting anyone, especially Christians. There are some who would be quick to judge the abused without knowing the whole story…my story (or anybody else’s story for that matter). That was why a support system was needed to be in place, to help me learn to trust. Yes, I know I have a hard time breaking away from dependency of others; but think about it…I have had to depend on myself for years (since I was a child), and look where that has gotten me.
Why can’t some dependency be considered for wanting to truly understand His love? The support system should be built out of love & compassion; not out of pity for the abused to be labeled as a project to be worked on. Especially, if the project goes awry it could cause the building of the structure to be idled. A safe and stable place should be built for the broken and for them not to worry about performance expectations…or trying to be healed sooner because of someone else’s time frame.
Remember, the abused person is trying to heal, and for this reason one should step back & say it is not about me…it is about the child of God who carries this pain. No one really wants to be sick! I never wanted this pain of abuse, or the memories of it that often triggers horrible feelings within my soul. Far from it! I never desired to be taken advantage by a perverted man who was supposed to love and protect me…be my trusted parent.
I needed to get to a place where I could trust God and feel safe–because of what had been done to me in the past, and even what is happening now. I also needed to trust God with what I had done. People who have been abused have lost their identity, and often need to be validated by those who believe in them. It’s important to talk these things out, in my case the abuse, to be able to remove my wrong perception of the present and what might happen in the future. Yes, specialized counselors (such as mine…Clifton Fuller) are great for this; but, humor me to read on.
Abused victims, or survivors, don’t necessarily know who they are. Over the years I took on different identities as a form of protection. Many worked for me as a child; but now it is a problem as an adult. Sometimes there are those who can & will victimize the abused. They will plague them with chores, verbally abusive words, until they are completely sleep deprived from over exhaustion and utterly worn out. This allows the victim to become more easily moldable into a certain state of mind by the abuser. Does that make sense? This is when the victim “freezes up” during certain situations, and does not respond or handle the current situation with finesse. I know this tactic all too much. I have continued to live in this state of confusion for most of my life.
In searching for my true identity (in the image of God), I needed to know that I was of equal value as any other human. My brokenness may come across as being “too needy” or “desperate” for some; but in actuality, I needed to understand my value as a person–which I don’t always see in myself. For this reason as well, I feel that God might use me in other’s lives to learn how to build meaningful relationships with certain kinds of broken people like me.
In essence, my survival thus far, should be a blessing to others, and build confidence that His Kingdom can be furthered by understanding the certain kind of brokenness found within me. Those survival strategies that I learned as a child could be used as gifts to help reach others. By recognizing their strategies, or walls they built up, I might be able to be help some of them; unfortunately, I am still unlocking some of those gifts to be able to be helpful. It would be easier to unlock those gifts with encouragement.
In losing my identity, I also lost the true identity and nature of God. In a sense, I am a child (a new creation), and I need to start over with the faith process. I may need to have the basics of faith told to me more than once. I will need to have Grace explained in depth. I will need to understand God’s characteristics on an intimate level. Truth is that because of my abuse, even though others may find it hard to believe, I can trust that I am in a safe place and I will not be rejected for my past, or sins.
We are all unique, and each one brings a different gift to the table. In fact, I want to be a blessing to the community as well, and not be treated like a project. I don’t want others to feel they have to help me because God would want them to help me; but, to help me because they have a real compassion to help me for who I am…and not knowing of what or who I could become in His Kingdom later.
I need to stop hiding behind my mask and become a beautiful kind of broken.
“I shall heal your broken heart with My words of love. My truth shall prevail over all your trials and tribulations. I see your fears and sorrows; your struggles, your pain and suffering, and I shall not abandon you in your hour of need. My mighty right hand is already stretched out to heal and give peace and abundant life. I am at work. I am Jehovah – I AM THAT I AM.”
When Did My Faith Become Real?
When did my faith become real? I believe receiving faith is never-ending; therefore, my faith becomes more real with each “real” season
I experience. I recently told a friend that my current season of tribulations was like a bad reality TV show, and that I sincerely hoped that it would not be picked up for another season.
All joking aside, one of the worst trials I have ever had to go through was when I was a child. I was sexually abused. That terrible season has left many battle wounds and scars that still have not completely healed.
That experience led me to live a life that was not always conducive to spiritual growth. I lived in fear of others…especially men. My relational skills were lacking, and thus my communication skills followed suit. Because I let my anger get the best of me, I became one who began to contribute to the pain of others. The pain I caused was mainly due to my own selfish idols, and of my own making.
I was like a horse wearing blinders. I could not see the pain I was causing others because of the pain I harbored inside, or even the pain I was causing myself.
As a result of my past abuse I have carried a backpack full of idols, pain, and fear. I lack self confidence. I am a skeptic when it comes to thinking that my Father could give me the grace of forgiveness that I so desire. Even though I did not wish this abuse on myself, in the back of my mind I always wonder if I deserved it.
My husband, Sam, has explained his take on the situation. If I had gone into the doctor’s office to get a physical, and several days later I got strep throat…did that mean I wanted to get strep throat? Of course not, nor did I expect to get it. Strep throat causes many to become quite ill. In fact, I usually get a headache and nausea along with it–making it a triple whammy! Under the circumstances, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I never asked for the strep throat, and I certainly never asked for the abuse. My friend described the abuse like an illness that was given to me. I couldn’t help it! It was given to me. I was so very young, and the abuser had no right to pin the abuse on me as my fault. To threaten me with harsh words, and fists to body…warning me to never tell or he would beat me up. No child deserves to be treated with such disrespect. To be made to feel like scum, and then told that no one will ever want them because they were tainted.
I believed him!
I have always wanted to run in a race; but, definitely lacked the passion to train. Trust me, I am no runner. When I was at Baylor University I was on the track team; but, as a javelin thrower. Running was definitely not my forte. In fact, one year I did not qualify in the javelin for the Texas Relays, so I had to run the 10K. It took me an hour and six minutes to run that race. The man who ran the half marathon passed me up. BTW…now I would be lucky to walk a 10K.
Now I am remembering that I have this awfully heavy backpack, and I am thinking how do I run with a heavy backpack? I see the military, or fitness gurus running with heavy loads to train; but, I don’t want to train with a heavy backpack. I am not a fitness guru, and I definitely don’t want to train with a heavy load. It would be extremely hard!
So how do I lighten the load in my backpack? I have carried the load for many years. I have become quite attached to my many idols, and I don’t know which ones should stay or go.
Then my Heavenly Father suggests to me to give Him my backpack. I asked Him, “Why do you want my backpack?”
He answered, “Because, I love you, and I want you to run to me. I want you to fix your eyes on Me. I have made a promise to carry your heavy burdens, and I want you to run the race that is set before you.”
Okay, so even if I were to give Him my backpack, how would that help me to see Him? How would that allow me a clearer vision to be able to run to Him?
I know now that I lacked a true passion for recognizing my Father, and his promise that He made to me. I lacked faith and hope in the words He was telling me to obey. I must really enjoy my bad reality TV show because that’s where I was headed…back to “seasons gone bad.”
I tried to focus on Him; but, I could not see Him at all. I only recognized my stepfather, and all of the horrible things he had done and/or told me. He was no father to me. He did not protect me, or love me. I became scared…so much so, that a couple of times during the race I considered suicide as an alternative to facing my fears. Truth is, my own hindrances of my own idols were causing me to lack the faith I needed to run the race…to run the race with patient endurance.
I wanted to hurry up and train for the race my way. I wanted to be in control. In the back of my mind I wondered if I could run the race by myself? Did I really need my Father? Could I train without any help, because asking for help might mean I was weak? I certainly did not want to look weak and unworthy to anyone. I mean my stepfather did say that no one would want someone as worthless as myself. I wanted to believe I could prove my stepfather wrong.
I learned quickly that training, and running alone, did not seem to be working for me. Training by myself, I noticed that I seem to fail every time. I was extremely out of shape.
I wondered do I really to need the “Author and Finisher” of my faith to help me train for this race? Does He really know what path to take to get to the finish line? Would He really be the only One who would be able to keep me from “jumping the gun” at the start of the race, and would certainly keep me from facing disqualification? Would He do this for me just because He loved me?
I had to really dig deep inside to see what I really desired. Did I want to continue carrying my heavy backpack, or give it freely to Him? My faith was lacking; but, He told me, “Come ye who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” He was telling me to cast my burdens upon Him, and He in turn would help me cross the finish line so that I could rest. I definitely need rest. I look horrible!
With His help, I found the faith, hope, and strength to go the distance…even when I could not always see the finish line. I knew that I would be able to reach the prize–which had already been fulfilled by Him. I knew that He would give me rest.
I have decided that my faith in Him should not be just wishful thinking, but having a true passion; a trusting confidence that His promise of grace is for me–despite my past secrets, my present idols, or my future mistakes. Through faith, God’s grace gives me freedom to be me—broken and scarred.
So when did my faith become real? Every time I step out the door and experience various seasons. Just putting one foot in front of the other, and walking out the door. Now that’s having real faith to me!
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen.” ~ Hebrews 11:1
Where is My Love? Where is my Hope?
The question arises, how can a “faithful” Christian have such depressed thoughts that they may consider hurting themselves? Even worse, what if they actually take their own life? Could it be an alternative to facing their fears of rejection (broken trust), shame & guilt from some heinous secret, or a feeling of worthlessness and disgrace?
The Bible does say in Romans that we all sin and we all fall short. We are human living in a fallen world. But, knowing that we were sinners, God sent His son to be pinned and die on the cross for our sins. Christ took our desperation and turned into something great to live for.
Granted most people, at least one time in their life, have probably had thoughts of ending it all (suicide). The amount one dwells on suicide, or letting it consume their being, plays an important part in the level of depression one may be experiencing. We live in a valley of shadow and death; but, within that valley there is life.
Christians are definitely not immune to trials. Being a Christian does not solve all problems; but, it does assure one thing—His forgiveness of all our sins. This is great news! Also, a lot of people think that Christians are “exempt” from the worst of these things.
HELLO! So not true! The devil works overtime to put Christians in a head lock that is impossible to get out of…on their own. Look at Job, Paul, and Moses…they were in some “real” messes that they became desperate enough to want to die.
You may be thinking, “What kept those ‘men of the Bible’ from doing the ‘unthinkable’?” It was love for Him! It was hope in Him!
God intends for us to live a life that He desires for us…a life that includes Him. God promised us a life of hope, love, grace, and mercy; but, He never promised a life where bad things would never happen to good people.
The truth is that the more we “live” our lives for Him, and through Him, the more the evil one tries to breakdown the life of His body in us; thus, trying to destroy us. Because God gave us the freedom to choose, the evil one uses it to his advantage. Satan tries to convince that harming each other, or to telling lies to disgrace…is the way of this world. Sadly, many fall for his trap, and cause much pain for others…including myself.
The “world” can have two different meanings: 1) the world (biosphere) we live in, and 2) the struggles that we experience while living in this world. Sadness and depression is a natural part of life. God gave us these emotions (as well as many others) as a way of dealing with the brokenness of the world we live in. It is the degree that we carry these emotions that can be detrimental to self, or others. Sometimes the reactions of our emotions may be due to an early childhood type of abuse; therefore, it is a way of coping. The problem is as adults those same coping mechanisms don’t work the same way as they did with the child.
The key, in overcoming severe depression, is community…with others. Community can be within a group of church members, or within a support group outside of church. Both can be vital in the healing and recovering process of the oppressed and depressed. Research shows that a committed community, to those that are inflicted with brokenness, can become a vital part in the healing process.
We often need help from others to make sense of what is going on within our inner-selves, and to help us break out of patterns of sin and brokenness. Such freedom to discuss our inner-selves with another person creates a bond whose acceptance is not based on performance but on unconditional love.
The devil does not want hope or love to be found. He will do everything in his power to divert the attention from Him to the lies of desperation that make us feel worthless (which pleases him the evil one). He seemingly causes a feeling of overwhelming disgrace that begins abounding in once joyful hearts. Depression can often become more agonizing than physical pain.
The Bible says that people are of great significance because of being made in the image of God—for His glory. We have become adopted into God’s family. We learn that it is not what we’ve done to deserve to be a part of His family; but, what He did for us. Christ’s death is the reason for our acceptance by God. He promises to never let us go.
This “amazing grace” that God has given us should lead to a life of dedication to Him…allowing us to fight the ongoing battle against the world of sins. God uses the trials of our life to help become more aware of Him, and to have a desire to be more like Christ.
God sometimes uses difficult trials to discipline. In the fight against the evil one, hope is vital. We must listen and draw near to Him. We must be encouraged that this is His sign of His love.
We are reminded that we don’t just struggle against our own idols, or sins; but, against “spiritual forces of evil” in the idol “world” of sin. We must learn to put on the full armor of God. We must wear it every day and always. This will provide protection from the devil’s “fiery darts. We also must “pray just to make it through the day”.
We live with many emotions. We live with groaning hearts. We live with rejoicing hearts.
Where is my love? Where is my hope? It lies within my faith knowing that there is a Lord, Jesus Christ, who sanctified me with His loving grace–by dying on the cross.
This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it! ~Psalm 188:24
Another Brick in the Wall
It is that time of year…getting close to high school graduation. There is a lot of excitement, anticipation, and relief that leads up to and follows this important milestone in life. When I checked the mail today,we received an invitation to one such event. My mind wandered and I couldn’t help but to remember my high school graduation…many, many years ago.
I was thinking about how we voted for “Most Likely to Succeed”, “The Funniest”, and of course the “Class Song”. It seems our class was a little divided at the time on what should be the class song. There were several who wanted Pink Floyd’s, “Another Brick in the Wall” and others that wanted the theme song to Lavergne and Shirley, “Making Our Dreams Come True”. I will tell which one was chosen in a bit.
Today, while I was laying in my hammock, I was listening to the K-Love radio station, and Natalie Grant‘s song “Human” came on. All at once all of these emotions and thoughts came swirling into my head. They were actually interrupting my hammock time; therefore, I got up and thought I should write this before I forgot some important points…because I am getting to the age that I forget lots of things.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, Natalie Grant’s song. I have heard this song many times; but, I don’t think it ever made as big impression on me as it did today. I am including part of the lyrics because it leads up to a thought I had.
Natalie Grant’s “Human“
Every life has a choice to rise up to fill the void.
Every heart has a mission and we are called to be human.
We gotta do better than this ’cause we only got one chance to make a difference.
We gotta do better than this ’cause we only got one life that we’ve been given.
A little love, a little kindness, a little light in this time of darkness.
It’ll be what makes us different. It’ll be what makes us human.
I’m human, you’re human, we are human.
We are marked with His image and we are scarred with indifference.
Maybe now we should listen; hear the cry of God‘s children.
It’ll be what makes the difference. It’ll be what makes us human.
Wow! Isn’t this wonderful that God has given us life, we are made in His image, and we all have a chance to make a difference…because we are human. Will it hurt us show a little love and kindness toward others? What about those (like me) who have sinned? What about those who have been sinned against due to sexual abuse,domestic violence, addiction, or maybe made fun of because they are different? Would it hurt us to give a little of His Light to shine in a time of darkness for others?
Survivors, of any type of brokenness, often seek answers to spiritual questions from non-spiritual sources. Most often this happens because they have been pushed away by people who said they were Christians (like me). I am guilty of raining down on someone rather than being a ray of sunshine. Sometimes pushing one away is easier than acknowledging the pain that another may have experienced. This may cause more wounds which prolongs the healing process. Sometimes the scarring for the survivor covers much of their body, and they may begin to hide their goodness deep inside.
You know I claim to be an okay Christian, but guess what? I sin and make mistakes all the time. I’M HUMAN! I don’t always reach out when I should. But, on the flip side, I am also a survivor. In some ways, we all are survivors of some sort of battle that may be unbeknown to us.
Because we are human we are in constant battle with the prince of darkness, and we need to remember to put on the full armor of God for protection. God provides us with many pieces of armor; but, the belt of truth is an important place to start.
The definition of “truth” is the state of being sincere, in accordance with fact and/or reality. We all desire to know the truth…especially His truth. We want to know that His mercy and grace is real no matter what secret we may have. We want to know that we will not be rejected by Him even when our past comes to Light in this present darkness.
Others may claim that they understand what you have been through and how you feel– even though they may have never been through anything like that. But, remembering that we are all human, each of our experiences are unique to us and the situation. We all have a certain degree of understanding of each other’s pain. Nobody’s experiences should be taken lightly.
Being human, we all have many different strengths and weaknesses. The good news is that co-habiting in this world together, we are able to share them with each other. Unfortunately, some may not appreciate other’s weaknesses over their own strengths…but that usually means they may be overlooking their own weakness.
I believe God places people in our lives to help bring out these strengths. Sometimes, others may have to work hard to bring them out…more like pulling, and sometimes it can be as little as a word of encouragement, or prayer. I will say that establishing a trusting relationship can help; but not always necessary. Either way, one can make a difference in another person’s life by doing as little as random acts of kindness.
Know that “Trust can take years to build, but only a second to break.” When trust is broken one, or both parties, may feel that they have been betrayed. A person can be good, and still betray the matter of someone’s heart; for instance, look at Peter denying Christ.
Betrayal is devastating; but, when those you thought to love you betray your trust…the pain is always worse!
When we become wounded we want to retreat and hide rather than facing our fears. We become (pardon the cliche’) “another brick in the wall.” That is where the darkness wants us to hide. He wants us to join him in the wall just blending and having no confidence. The darkness begins to make the wound worse by telling us lies. He wants us to crumble and fall.
This was when I began thinking about Pink Floyd’s song and thinking…in a way we could use the words of his song as a rebuke to Satan. Think about it, we could change the lyrics to make our rebuke.
“…We don’t need no thought control! We don’t need your sarcasm!” So, Satan leave those who are wounded alone! All and all, you are nothing compared to Him. “All and all, you are just another brick in the wall!”
“When someone betrays you, it can become their problem as well because they probably betrayed their own conscience.” Being wounded we must go to God to cry out for healing; but, there comes a time to go back to the betrayer and confront them. Time doesn’t heal all wounds; so, if we don’t act “quickly'”, we give Satan a foothold causing the wound to fester. The only thing that really heals wounds is the soothing salve of His forgiveness.
This led me to think about the Gimble/Fox song “Making Our Dreams Come True” We could take the words of this song to make new matters of our heart. “Nothing’s gonna turn us back now. Straight ahead and on the track now. We’re gonna make our dreams come true. Doin’ it our way.”
BTW, if you were wondering what became our class song, it was “Making Our Dreams Come True” by Gimble and Fox. We took a chance and made it. Go ahead and take a chance trying to make dreams come true. But, instead of “doin’ it our way”, how about we try doin’ it His way!
His way is to put on His full armor of protection, and not let those words of deceit pierce us when we are wounded. We should try being a little “human” and make a difference in the life of others. Don’t be “another brick in the wall”! Allow His Light to shine through you by showing a little love and kindness on someone’s brick in the wall!
As You Wish…Broken For You
I definitely seem to be in a battle of Spiritual warfare. It seems Satan is always trying to make me feel worthless; therefore, it’s important for me to surround myself with a “friend that loveth at all times.” Knowing that, I am far from being a good friend; I can definitely get wrapped up in “my own little world”.
I was thinking about this on a bit deeper level. There are people in my life who are more like acquaintances. They have really not touched the inner core of my personal being, and I seem to be able to carry on a nice casual conversation. I thought this funny that I could meet a stranger, whom I will never see again, and greet them with a certain nicety.
On the flip side, there are a few that I regard as trusted confidants; those that seem to “loveth me at all times”…even during my bad times. I am sure I catch them off guard with my “irrational” emotions. I can only imagine being my friend can be rather taxing at times. I definitely have a funny way of showing loving kindness on certain occasions. In the midst of trying to understand, or confront, my own emotions–I seemingly confront them emotionally & not always rationally.
One moment I can be positively nice, and in the next moment, I can confront them with some insidious remark. I will say this is not a normal practice of mine. Yes, I may say something totally ludicrous; but, not always hurtful. I make no excuses for this behavior when it occurs. I must be sincere in asking for forgiveness when this happens.
…Switching gears with my ADD thinking…
God tries to confront me with His goodness. Sometimes I consider Him to be “interrupting me”, and not think Him to be very important. I am not always thankful for His “interruption” in my life. Like my unwanted emotions on others, it “seems” as though God confronts me at unpredictable times.
On the other hand there seems to be times that I am encountering loneliness, heartache, and pain. During these instances in my life, it “seems” to me that God is not “interrupting” me at all. In fact, I feel as if He is ignoring me.
I have to realize that it’s not because God wants me to “suffer”; but, that He wants me to know that He has an “unimaginable” pleasure–for me. His grace and mercy covers me in these dark times. His arms are wrapped around me. I just have to keep that in mind, and not think that He is trying to “trick me”.
Satan tricks. GOD DOES NOT!
I am reminded of a quote that Westly tells Princess Buttercup in “The Princess Bride”,
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
Again, God really does love me! He is not trying to “sell” me something. He loves me unconditionally! In return, God desires for me to come to Him, and tell Him I love Him. He is filled with great joy and happiness when I do so. He is not out to “trick” me.
My husband, Sam, had me listen to a message by Jamie Lash one afternoon. It reminded me of how I sometimes think God is “interrupting” my day. That His will for me may be “interrupting” what I desire for myself.
After listening to one of Jamie’s messages, a lady stayed behind to ask him a question. She was obviously, like many, afraid to abandon herself to God’s will. She asked Jamie, “What might God want me to do with my life?” She was worried that He might want her to do something that she really did not want to do…or that was not her will for herself.
Jamie went on to ask her, “What if your child was to come up to you, and say that he/she really loved you with all of her/his heart. Would you, in turn, laugh an insidious laugh and say, ‘I got you now! From now on you will clean the toilet every day! I finally tricked you!”
The lady was offended and said, “What kind of mom do you think I am?”
Jamie’s response was, “What kind of Father do you think God is?”
WOW! Through my brokenness, God reveals His goodness to me…even when I think He is “interrupting” my will. This is great news!! “No matter what my experiences have been with my “earthly” parents, or as parents to our children, we are to give voice to the cry within us for the Father who nourishes us and protects us.” (Dan Allender, “The Cry of the Soul”)
I think it very ironic that my experiences of pain, fear, anger, & shame (of the world I live in) actually bring me closer to the joys and mercies of God. This is the way He intended for me to really live. God delights in me! He desires me to “dance with Him wildly”. He goes to great lengths to keep me from pursuing others before Him. He wants me to desire Him as if there were no other lover. I need to remember how intimate He is…with me. I am His bride like no other.
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith,
who for joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame…”
~ Hebrews 12:2
Christ is not trying to “sell” me something, or even “trick” me. Above all things, Christ bared my shame, so I could live in joy! The least I could do is praise Him with adoration, and not confront Him with irrational emotions.
After all, He was nailed on the cross and He did not laugh an insidious laugh. Instead He said to me,
“As you wish, my Beloved! My will be done. I became Broken for you!”
Be Passionate! Have Hope!
“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”
Only when we become passionate about dealing with our painful experiences can a deep healing take place that we desperately desire. There is hope in healing, and hope leads to freedom. Freedom will come when we have faith to trust in Him. Truth is our hope is found in Christ; but, lack of faith can stand in the way of our passion to heal.
Ultimately the truth is that it is not within our power to always run the race, and to go the distance by ourselves. We will fail, every one of us, alone. That is why we need the Author and Finisher of our faith, the One who is able to keep us from falling. With His help we can go the distance gaining the prize of His life—that He died for our sins so that we could live. Christ fulfilled what we could not see.
If the Gospel brings about true freedom, or I like to think “free to be me”, then in essence His message brings us hope. Not just for today, but for the future of His Kingdom. One of my Pastors told me that, “God’s grace gives us freedom from despair and pride.” Truth is, that we can have hope to “carry on”, if we let His grace free us of our idols of our sinful nature.
Finally, I was thinking about a J.R.R. Tolkien poem:
“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
I was thinking about how Christ did not much look like a King during His reign on Earth; in fact, he probably had similarities to that of a ranger. The only crown Jesus wore was a crown of thorns. But through the Gospel we find hope. We learn the truth of God’s mercy, grace, and justice. Knowing all of these things, we should be able to seek His Kingdom—where the crownless again shall be King…of all Kings.
Be passionate! Have hope! Truth and freedom came and He will come again. Hallelujah!
Prayer of healing for abuse
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We have all lived through things that we never thought we were capable of.
We will have the strength to carry on…with the Son, and through the Son.
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